The Six of Hearts

Year in Review

2008-12-19T13:58:00.002-07:00

Welp, it's been quite a year! There have been so many struggles, trials, and triumphs this year! I'll do my best to keep it as brief as possible...

The beginning of 2008 was, for the first time in a long while, uneventful. Nothing new was looming on the horizon. There were no new adventures to be seen. Just the usual. Bob was in school and working. I was working. The kids were growing. In April, Luke celebrated his first birthday. In May, Destiny and Staci turned 8 and 4 respectivly. And then, we made a huge decision. Bob decided to go to Basic Training and AIT instead of waiting for ROTC training only. He left on June 4 and was gone until December 11. For six months, I was a single, working mommy. And man was it hard. But I was quite surprised at how well the children handled it. They are such strong little beings. We cried for a few days and then, as if by magic somehow, the kids healed up and moved on. They would talk about Daddy. They would ask when he was coming home. But they also stepped up to the plate and did their thing. Destiny continued being my "little mama." She helped me so much. I'm very convinced that this child has a calling in working with small children.
Jon played football this year and he loved it. I had a blast watching him run the wrong way on the feild (on several occasions) and joking around with his team mates. I swear his smile can light up the entire field (or maybe I'm just biased!)
Staci and Dee both tried ballet...and both decided it wasnt' for them (HA!) Dee is now taking violin and loving it. She had her first concert this week.
Luke is now talking up a storm. His favorite word at the moment is "ball." He loves playing with balls! Footballs, basketballs, it doesn't matter. He is such a little doll and the light of all our lives. Teresa was commenting the other day on how she noticed that Luke was the catalyst that set off healing for many members of our family. Jon, the boy who never showed emotion or feelings is now, in part due to Luke's arrival, loving on everyone...Destiny who wasn't shown true love and adoration in the first few years of her life, is now better at taking care of kids then I am! And Staci now has a buddy to play with and doesn't feel left out. And of course, Bob and I are continuing to heal from the years of pain and suffering through the infertility.
You wouldn't believe how different Bob is. The man lost near 70 pounds in a year. He's now an incredibly physically fit person and is working on a new goal: to get a commission as an officer in the Army and take on an active Army position. This should happen in the next 2-3 years. He will complete his degree and recieve ROTC training. He is very proud of himself (as are we!)
I also find myself very happy and proud. I can't believe I survived 6 months as a single mommy. While Bob was gone, I went through surgery to remove more endo, began Lupron treatments, got Dee through a very tough time (thank you counseling) and supported my husband through the toughest time in his life. Yay! Now on to making one of the hardest decisions I ever have: when is the hysterectomy? I have been told by both my doctors (the RE and OB/GYN that this surgery is in my near future.) The biggest question is whether or not we will try for one more baby....That is still a part of the unknown...

So on we go into another new year and new adventure! I hope that everyone is doing well. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. We think of you often and miss you. Much love!

10 more days!

2008-11-18T04:06:00.002-07:00

In just ten days, Bob will be coming home! Granted he has to leave after only three days, but then he'll be home for good in December! This whole experience has been so strange for me. Never did I ever think that I would be able to make it as a military wife. Never. I'm not that strong. I swear I'm not. But here we sit, the house isn't totally destroyed, the kids are alive and well, and I'm ok. I think.

Now needless to say, I have had my moments! Those times when you run to your room, shut the door and tell the kids, "Mommy needs a timeout!!" And then proceed to cry your eyes out from exhaustion and lonliness. Yeah. Those times were hard. You know that the kids know you've been crying but your supposed to be the strong one. Ouch man. Seriously. But I think those are the times when you band together as a family and say, "We can do this."

So here's the game plan: Bob's flight comes in on Thanksgiving morning. My mom will come to the house to help us cook and get ready, and then the kids and I, all dressed up, will go to the airport and give him a hero's welcome! I'm going to make a banner that says, "Welcome Home Soldier Medic!" and hang it in the house. So that day will be all giggles and smiles and food! And then on Friday, after we put up the Christmas decorations, he and I will go on a date. He's taking me to see "Twilight!" I'm so excited! I'm sure we'll also have dinner too. Saturday will be spent hanging out at home, loving the kids. And then I will take him to the airport Sunday for his flight back to Ft Sam Houston. And then we will wait for him to come home just 2 short weeks later. Thank goodness this time apart has gone by so fast. We both needed it too. But I can say I'm so proud of him for doing this. He's gone all the way and he's such a different person now. Aside from losing near 70 pounds, he's more motivated than ever before and has a new game plan for his life. He's even learned how to say no to me, bummer!

As for me, I'm ok. I've been on Lupron for 3 months now and Dr G is in shock that I've had virtually no side effects. WOO HOO! He also told me that if we decided to go through with Dr N's plan, he feels that it is possible I won't get hyperemesis again. But we'll see. We have to get Bob home and reoriented first before we can even begin to decide. But, if Dr N has his way, I'll be knocked up within 6 months of Bob coming home!

The kids are great. Luke has a bit of a cold, but nothing major. It just makes him a cranky bug. But mommy loves him through it!

oh and I've decided to try my hand at making white fudge...wish me luck!

Why're the spoons gone?

2008-11-03T06:44:00.002-07:00

Ok, so you know in Pirates of the Carribean, when Jack and what's her name (Kiera Knightly) are stranded on that island and Jack realizes the rum is gone? So he keeps saying "Why's the rum gone?" I've got a new saying now that follows that lead: "Why're the spoons gone?"

Spoons disappear in my house. I kid you not. I've had to buy new spoons twice now and I recently discovered that they're gone agian. I get the feeling one of my darling children is throwing them away but can never catch it happening and no one will admit it. So I go to get cereal for them this morning and, lo and behold, I only have like 3 spoons in my house. "WHY"RE THE SPOONS GONE?"

Maybe I should switch to rum...

If I knew then what I know now...

2008-11-02T09:49:00.003-07:00

Hello all! Here's a quick update before I get to my thought of the day.

Luke: We are now wearing size 2t! He's 18 months old and doing great. He's beginning to talk a little more and finally has a full head of curly hair!

Staci: She is testing bounderies and moving from toddlerhood the childhood. I can't believe in just a few months she's going to be five. Poor thing is in a hard place. She still wants to be a baby, but at the same time being a big girl is so cool. LOL She told me the other day that she's going to be my baby girl forever. Oh I hope so!!

Jon: Can you believe my once quiet, shy little man is growing into a strong leader? I think we did the right thing giving him another kindergarden year. His teachers have nothing but great things to say about him, including the fact that he helps keep the other students in line!

Destiny: In bed right now with the stomach flu. My poor monkey started throwing up last night. She seems to be feeling better, but I'm leary about giving her food right now. Otherwise, she's great. She seems to be making some great strides right now. Beginning to like herself for who she is and not look to be liked by others. This is a big thing for me.

Bobby: He took his last paper test this week! He's almost finished. ONly five more weeks until he is home! (ok ok more like 5 1/2) OH and he's coming home for thanksgiving. We booked his flights last week.

Me: Bob is almost home. Enough said.

MY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Have you ever wondered if things would have gone differently if you were wiser when you were younger? For example: When Bob and I were doing fertility treatments, I never really researched things. I didn't look into herbs or anything. Would that have made the difference? There are so many out there that help. Like Vitex and Chaste berry. And they have been used for centuries, so they must work. And with the hyperemesis. Why didn't I try red rasberry leaf tea? Would that have helped? I'm even wondering why I didn't use cloth diapers. Wouldn't it have been less expensive and better for the environment?

And here's the kicker: As a mom, and I hope it's normal, I find myself very tired and aggitated sometimes. It's not that it's too much. No. I get time to rest and the kids are wonderful. I think it's just the normal mom stuff. But as it comes, the aggitation, I tend to get snippy with the kids. I snap and find myself being cranky with them. Why? It's nothing they have done. And then I look back on it later and wonder why the fuss? It's not a big deal. If luke spills staci's drink because she left it on the table and not the counter, is spilled juice worth crying over? I should think not.

What if we could, like Merlin, live backwards? Would we really be wiser and happier? Or would things turn out totally different? I happen to be very happy with my life. I'm neither wealthy nor poor, I have my children, my job, my husband. There's nothing wrong with that.

So I digress knowing that I'll continue to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Maybe one day wisdom will show up on my doorstep. If not, i'm sure the kids will find perfectly good hiding places for those times when mommy just isn't herself....

Away for a while...

2008-10-24T20:21:00.002-06:00

Ok so maybe I need to find some time to take up writing again. I feel like I missed out on so much. But when you're a single mommy to 4 small kiddos with DH away with the military, time is a luxury! As of right now, we have about 7 weeks left until he comes home. I can't wait! The kids really miss their daddy. With any luck, time will fly by. At least he'll be home for Christmas.

As for the kids, they are doing beautifully. Destiny is in second grade and has excellent grades! Jon is out right now watch High School Musical 3 with friends. Staci and Luke are snuggled into bed. Staci has ballet in the morning. Jon is also playing flag football.

I'll try to continue with the blog as best I can! Seems so silly to have it and not use it! Am hoping to get in touch with my fellow bloggers again! I miss you ladies!

One Year

2008-04-25T19:37:00.003-06:00

In one year, we have experience a gambit of things. We have lived more than I ever thought possible.

I gave birth
I was able to function on no sleep for weeks
I loved more than I thought possible
I laughed more than I thought I could
I spent a week in the hospital...showering there so as not to miss a moment with my baby
I've worried more than I could even imagine
I danced with joy over a simple thing such as a baby crawling across the room
I giggled to hear Luke laugh and coo
I was exstatic to hear him say, "Hi" the first time
I cried with him as he teethed...and refused to sleep
I was overjoyed to watch him walk across the room the first time
I have laughed, cried, and rejoiced that my youngest is now a year old.

A year ago today, at this very moment, he was working his way into the world.

Happy Birthday, Baby! Mommy loves you!

17 Weeks

2008-04-05T07:18:00.002-06:00

Bob will be shipping out to boot camp sometime next month. He'll be gone for 17 weeks. I love that he's doing this for our family. But it's going to be so hard. 17 weeks as a single mommy to 4 kids. I was hoping to get a summer school teaching job, but I don't think I got one. My mom already recieved her summer school assignment and I havn't gotten anything. Oh well. I'll just have to find something else to keep me busy. (As if 4 kids won't do it!) We'll have ballet for the girls once a week, swim lessons for the boys, church camp is in July so Destiny and Jon will be gone for a week.

Will I be all alone? Nah. Between our parents and friends, I'm sure I'll be well taken care of. Bita will be here to help me and considering Dru is going to boot camp as well, she'll want to stay busy too! There's always the 4th of July parade, field trips with the Martins, oh my. I can do this, right?

And, don't tell my mom, since we're having a huge influx of cash in July, I'll be hiring someone to build me new cabinets for the kitchen since, apparently, the older ones are coming apart. Yeah, one fell off the wall. All dishes were inside. Glass everywhere. YIKES! So yeah, new kitchen here I come! So that will be July and August!

So I've got a plan. While Bob is running in the mud, I'll be running with the kids.
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

This is normal...right?

2008-03-21T10:47:00.002-06:00

I know I'm about to embarass myself, but here goes. I've got to vent this. It's just too hard to hide!

I'm frustrated. Yet again, my body is acting up. It seems as though last week I had a cyst burst on an ovary. Curious considering I've been on birth control for months. I was on the pill and still had tons of cysts so my reproductive endochronologist put me on the nuva ring. yeah. good try. apparently I'm still growing cysts. I also have this funny feeling I ovulated this month. So this isn't working. What the heck is next? I won't do depo...I won't do lupron. Great. Those are basically my only two options. I see my RE again in a month and I ahve to make some decisions. He's also talking about doing another laparoscopy to check on the endo because of my pain. More surgery. Just take the whole damn thing out please. Forget it all.

You know, believe it or not, I really liked being pregnant. It sucked like hell, but I loved it. I loved feeling Luke move and jiggle at 3:00 am. I loved giving birth. I love having a baby. It's been great. And now I feel like somehow I've been kept from ever doing it again. Don't take me wrong, please. I love all my kids and can't imagine a moment without them. But we're done having kids. I'm 28 and I'm done having kids. Bob doesn't want anymore and can you blame him? 4 is more than most people will ever have. ANd how blessed are we? Man, who do you know that has 4 wonderful kids? How many infertiles would give their hearts for that? Well, here I sit, for some reason, pining with baby fever. *rolls eyes* I'm an idiot. Luke is the absolute best "baby of the family." And at least I friggin got to experience pregancy, right? Yeah, what a pregancy too!

I have been told that if I ever get pregnant again, my friends and family will be skipping town. Apparently, hyperemesis and preterm labor were a lot for them to handle. Soooo, how can a person who has 4 great kids and had a horrendous pregnancy want to think about another in the future? What the hell? What's wrong with me?

I'm guessing I'm going through the same thing most middle aged women go through. They see the biological clock ticking away and think, "Maybe I just need to have one more before I can't anymore." And I'm not even 30. Dork. Ok, so lets take the time to remember that I almost lost Luke a couple of times...he could have been sick, hurt, or born way too early. God I hate this.

Doesn't help that I'm out of Lexapro and havn't been able to get to the doctor for a new script because I have no time. ANd I want another one? I can barely handle the ones I've got! *slaps hand on forehead*

Jon + IHOP + LOVE!

2008-03-14T20:43:00.002-06:00

We went to IHOP this evening for dinner. It was soo much fun! Jon ate his heart out. He had:

1 egg
2 pieces of bacon
2 pancakes with strawberrries and whipped cream

That was from his plate and lasted all of 3.5 minutes. So then he continued on eating off everyone else's plates:

4 pieces of sliced chicken
some tilapia
some shrimp
AND he drank 2 glasses of lemonade!!!!!

I hadn't finished eating yet and had a stuffed peice of french toast on the side waiting to be eaten. Jon is eyeing it and says, "If no one eats that, it's gonna go bad." LOL He's too funny. I have never seen him eat so much! I bet he's in for a major growth spurt!

Let's go to bed early...wink

2008-03-10T19:08:00.002-06:00

We've all done it. Let's face it. The whole, "we're going to bed early" ploy. There's usually a *wink* involved. But I've discovered there are two types of people who do this: The parents and the non parents.

NonParents do this when they're newly married. And we all know what that *wink means* (If not, see any book entitled the Birds and the Bees)

Parents do this when, well, they need some extra sleep. The wink means nothing any more. We're tired. Very very tired. There will be no birds and no bees. Just some good, old fashioned shut eye. Heck, we wouldn't even mind those cute little twin beds from TV series of yesteryear. All we want is rest. Not even a good cuddle is necessary anymore.

One of my buddies has a blinkie that says, "I am mom. I am tired." Amen sister.

I also got Luke a t shirt today that says, "My parents are exhausted."

Perfect.

Well, time for me to give Bob the old *wink* I need a nap.

Back in Business!

2008-03-10T15:55:00.003-06:00

I went MIA for quite while! Short news: We are a busy couple! Bob is in school full time, in the National Guard, and I'm still working. Luke is crawling like a mad man, Staci has gone wild, Jon is learning learning learning in kinder, and Destiny is growing up so fast. Here are the stats:

Destiny is still a size 7/8
Jon is a 6/7
Staci is a 5/6 (yes you saw that right!)
And Luke is in 18 months

They're all gorgeous.

I'll be back in the swing of things now. I really feel like writing more and this is the best place for it.

See you soon!

I'm Going Home!

2007-06-24T03:01:00.001-06:00

I have been devastated to say the least at the prospect of selling our house. Yes it smallish...but I can't help it. I'm in love. We've spent so much time and effort personalizing it. The remodeled kitchen, the paint, the remodeled bath. As you could probably tell from my posts lately, I've been trying to come to terms with a loss. You see, we aren't doing anything by choice. I havn't had a paycheck in months and won't get another one until October (thank you to my school district for taking my job from me because I was sick.) We can't, on our own, keep our house.

I got a call from my mom yesterday morning.
She has found a way to help us pay the mortgage for the next three months.
All we'd need to get back on our feet.
So today, in the evening, we start moving back into our house.
I'd love to start right after church, but it's just too darn hot here.

I'm going home!!!!!!

We won't have internet for a while (to save money) so I'm not sure how often I'll post.

I'll get here as often as I can.

Finding Hope in the Midst of the Storm

2007-06-20T12:15:00.001-06:00

First of all, thank you Commentathon! I've loved hearing from everyone and have had a great time reading so many new blogs! You all are great! Here's to many more success stories!

I've been thinking a lot about something. It started a couple of weeks ago in church. I was up, singing with the praise team, when something caught my eye. My daughter (God it still seems weird to say that...) was singing. Okay, not so weird you say...especially when you have a little girl who adores singing! But she was not just singing. she was praising. I have never seen her do this. She had her eyes closed, her hands lifted and was singing her little heart out. I absolutly lost it.

So here's the thing. I don't believe God does things to people. I don't believe he takes our fertility away just to see what will happen. I don't think he takes our babies and pregnancies away from us....I think biology has a lot to do with that. But here's what I do think:

He can make it better.

Not many people know my kid's story, and I'm not going to share it here for all the world to see. That's too private. But I can say that watching my daughter do what she did is incredible. she has opened her heart so much over the past year. she can trust, she can love, she is safe. OMG she is safe.

You see, me and my kids were kind of in the same situation. Broken. We all hurt. We all felt alone. And somehow....we found each other. And we healed together. I no longer look at my battle with infertility in the same way. No, my treatments didn't work. but look at where I am now. I wouldn't be here if they had. I have four kids. FOUR KIDS! Three of whom needed me just as badly as I needed them.

There is a daily struggle to understand why the world works as it does. Why do we have to struggle? Why is there pain and heartache? I don't know. What I do know is that no matter what, we can heal. It will get better. No matter what is goiing on. Death. Infertility. Hard times. There is an end somewhere. It ended for me. It ended for my kids. And now, we stand firmly together and say I WILL NOT BE BROKEN AGAIN. I CAN BEAT THIS. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. The future is ours. We can all make it what we want it to be. And I think taht is where we find Hope.

Home

2007-06-18T16:32:00.000-06:00

So I went and cleaned our house today and as of tomorrow morning, it is listed For Sale. It really helped me to work in there, I was able to find some closure with a lot of things and go through a list of memories...that now make me smile, laugh, cry, and feel and incredible sense of accomplishment.

Moving into the house knowing that we would be starting a family soon.

I remembered the day that I frantically began tearing wall paper down in the bathroom as I was getting ready for the upcoming laparoscopy/hysteroscopy.

The day I replaced the floor in the kitchen. The therapy I used to help heal from the miscarriage.

The day, on the couch, that we decided to adopt and I felt such relief and joy.

The day we brought the kids home and they explored the house...finding their bedrooms, the kitchen...the love.

Painting the kids rooms as we waited to hear the placement date.

Waking up on Saturday mornings to the sound of laughter and bubbling over with joy.

Sitting on the toilet at 1:30 am waiting on a pregnancy test.

Screaming at 1:30 am in the bathroom as the word "Pregnant" shows up.

Making the toilet my best friend as I go through the worlds worst morning sickness.

4 months of bedrest. That couch was my best friend.

Leaving the house at 5:30 am knowing that we would be bringing our newborn son home soon.

And finally, driving up to the house today and hearing Staci say, "Home sweet home!"

I will miss that house and all the memories held there dearly. Luckily, I also hold them in my heart.

I'll have "My body sucks" for a thousand, Alex...

2007-06-16T17:01:00.000-06:00

Warning: Angry post ahead.

yeah. You know how they say to be really careful right after giving birth because you will be very fertile? Please.

Almost 8 weeks post partum and no sign of my period. No. I'm not breastfeeding. it should have come by now. I've already been told by Dr. G that if I don't get it in a few weeks, I start going in for testing to see what's wrong. Nice.

I'm so lucky to have had Luke. I wonder what would happen if we wanted to try for one more...it may seem weird, looking back at my horrible pregnancy, but I think I would like to do it one more time. I don't know. Maybe it's just that infertility can really mess up your mind. You live to have a baby for so long...then you live to keep the baby inside long enough...it' s like jumping off a cliff. You start asking yourself "now what?" I just wish something could be normal. The only normal part of my pregnancy journey was that I got pregnant at all. Getting there was horrible, staying there was scary...

And then I couldn't breast feed. It was something that I didn't really talk about, but it broke my heart. My stupid breasts are filled with fibrocystic disease. I couldn't get any milk out. I would pump for an hour and only get foam. That's right. Foam.

And now I can't get my body started...AGAIN. SH*&!

So now I'm going to have to go on Prometrium to force a period so that I can go on the pill...

I hate this.

7 weeks and counting!

2007-06-13T12:00:00.000-06:00

Luke turns 7 weeks old today. I can't believe it. He spent his first night out of the basinet and in his crib last night. He LOVED it! I was worried that he might get fussy, but nope! We also spent our first night back at my in-law's house last night. (more to come on that later...)

Luke is now chowing down five ounces per feeding! He has also started cooing and smiling! It's so cute when he smiles. He doesn't have complete control over his face yet, so his smile runs all over the place!! I'm really dreading the two month check up. How am I going to handle him getting shots? I can't stand the idea of it. He now weighs about 11 pounds. Holy guacamole!
Destiny is happy school is out (ha! I start homeschooling her for the summer next week!) She has changed so much. She's starting to turn into a little lady. I think I'll start teaching her how to cook....I think we can start making cakes together! Maybe even some simple entres.
Jon is getting tested at his school for kindergarten today. They like to see where each child stands academically before the year starts. I love the way his school works. They put the kids into reading groups, not just grades. This helps the kids get what they need even if they are a year or two ahead of their class.
Staci is still working on getting used to her new life. She's been testing bounderies a bit, but seems to be feeling better. It must be hard to go from being the baby to being big sister. I try to spend some time with her everyday, but with four kids it's very hard.

And now on to the life change of the week:
Our house will be on the market as of Monday. We are now living with my in-laws. Our house not only got too small, but the school district I work for sucks, so because I was so sick this school year, I basically lost my job and won't see any money until around October. We just can't afford our house right now. So we are selling it (hoping to make a little money to pay off our infertility/horrible pregnancy debt) and will be moving into my in-laws rental house in September when it opens up. So for now, to save money and sell the house, we have moved in with them. Yeah. It's hard. But my in-laws have been so gracious. It makes things a lot easier. The new house we're getting is twice the size of the other one and will have a playroom! I can't think of a theme to paint the playroom yet, but the boy's room will be jungle, the girls will have sunflowers, and their bathroom will be ocean themed. Too fun. I wonder if I could do a school house theme for the playroom......hmmmmm.

Second Post of the Day.....Battle Scars

2007-05-23T20:12:00.000-06:00

As I was soaking in the tub today, I finally found some time to examin my new colony of stretch marks, AKA Battle Scars, and I realized something really cool.

Before I got pregnant, I had three scars on my abdomen from the laparoscopy/hysteroscopy that I had in 2005 to diagnose and treat some of my fertility issues. Get this...I can no longer see those scars. They have been covered by the stretch marks. How cool and symbolic is that. No, I'll never really get over being infertile, but those scars are not really gone. They are just covered, changed to something different. This baby, this miracle has changed me from the inside out. I may still have some scars, but they are not the scars of infertility. They are the scars of pregnancy. They remind me of the battle we fought to get here.

So cool.

Uber baby cuteness....

2007-05-23T15:34:00.000-06:00

My house is full/busy/loud!!!

So we are moving. Our house is completely too small for us now. So we are full of boxes and messes and our house is torn up! Add three growing children suffering from Spring Fever and an infant and you get quite a mess. I smell like spit up and food. My hair is flat and ugly. My legs are hairy. And I've never been this tired...ever.

LOVING IT!

So We are all doing great. Destiny's last day of school is tomorrow. She is so excited and proud of herself. We're having a barbeque to celebrate her graduation from kindergarten this weekend. She is becoming quite the little princess.
Jon is absolutly in love with Luke. He says they are best friends and kisses him all the time.
Staci is in her torrid threes. She's figuring out what the world is like when you are not the baby of the family.
Luke is great! He still loves the night life (so tired. so so tired. seriously, I'm exhausted.)

Bob should be enlisted in the national guard next week. He's really excited. It'll be hard while he's in boot camp. But I'll be living with family until he gets back so I won't be doing the mom thing alone. This fall, we move into a much bigger house (yahoo!)

So I promised some funnies from the hospital a while ago. Here's a good one.

After I went into preterm labor, I was put on terbutaline and magnesium sulfate while in the hospital. I was also sedated for a while to help relax me. Once I woke up, the labor had stopped and I was taken off the meds and the catheter was pulled out. I was gooey and gross so I decided to take a shower. Now, after all those meds, I could barely stand on my own, so Bob helped me get into the shower and get washed. A few hours later, as I was relaxing on my own, my CNA comes in. She's an older lady with a thick spanish accent...

CNA: Now you just remember....NO SEX!
ME: Yeah, I know. Don't worry.
CNA: I heard you in the shower. Your husband was with you. YOU TELL HIM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE!
ME: OH! But he was just helping me shower!
CNA: DOn't you let him bother you! You have to rest!
And what else could I say?
ME: DOn't worry, I'll tell him!

HA!

What a month!

2007-05-15T15:59:00.000-06:00

Where do I even start?

Luke is here and doing great! It's been the most wonderful adventure and we couldn't be happier.

I was induced on April 25. (apparently, it often happens that women who have pre term labor shut down and don't go into labor alone after being on all those meds...) We started pitocin at about 7:30 am. By about noon, I was on the highest dose they will give and was STILL only in false labor. Oh my contractions were regular and in a good pattern....but they were doing NOTHING! My nurse told me that it probably wouldn't work and unless I had a c section, I was probably not going to have my baby that day. I was devastated to say the least.

Luckily, my doc came in at 2:30 to check me...I was still 3 cm dialated but 90% effaced and at a -2 station...so he broke my water. Literally a minute later labor started. I was in active strong labor within half an hour. And then I got stupid. I was trying to have the baby without any pain killers. What I didn't think about was that this was not a natural labor. By 5:00 I was dying. Luckily I had a great support system set up. My mom and best friend really helped me breath through my contractions. What we didn't know was that I was already in transition.

I got my epidural at 6:00 ( God bless the person who invented that gem). As soon as it was in, I passed out. I woke up at about 7:00 feeling weird. I had no pain but just felt funky. My doc came in and I told him how I felt so he checked me. Through a very thick fog, I heard him say "Wow. He's right there! It's time to push!"

We started pushing at 7:30 and Luke was born at 7:49! It was soooo easy! I thought I was going to have trouble pushing because of the epidural...but LUke just slipped on out! He weighed 6 lbs 8 oz (apparently the ultra sounds were wrong in estimating his weight) and was 18 inches long. He has my red hair!!!!

Our recovery went very well. Straight out of recovery I ate a large burger and fries! No more nausea!!!!!!! The hyperemesis was gone the instant I gave birth. I haven't taken any meds (besides ibuprofin) since! No phenergan, no zofran, no terbutaline, no magnesium!!! Nothing!!! I had a second degree tear that had to be stitched up but it hasn't even hurt.

Luke is doing great. He already weighs 8 lbs now and is 20 inches long!! He already has his one month check up next week. We weren't able to be successful at breast feeding, so he is on formula. But he doesn't have any colic issues and is a very calm baby (for the most part!) He loves the night life (I'm going on little sleep here) and is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. He truely is a miracle. It took years just to conceive him. Then we suffered through a horrific sickness that could have really hurt us both. And then, just when we were almost in the clear, I go into preterm labor and Luke almost spends the first few weeks of his life in the NICU. But here we are, healthy and happy. ANd life couldn't be better.

I have my first post natal appointment tomorrow. I'm sure we'll just fly in and out.

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and prayers!!!

Well, Crap.

2007-03-28T11:13:00.001-06:00

Been having a hard time getting onto blogger....

So things were going really well last time I posted...and then I realized I had spoken way too soon.
At 31 weeks, 3 days, I went into preterm labor. I woke up that morning (a Sunday) and just didn't feel right. I wasn't in any pain, but was having what I thought were braxton hicks contractions. After about an hour and a quart of water, my doctor told me to go on in to labor and delivery. By the time I got there, I was 50% effaced and dialated 1 centimenter. After two shots of terbutaline that didn't work, I was admitted. Two more shots of terb later, it was decided that I needed to be on magnesium sulfate. Monday morning, I was put on the mag IV and got a beautiful catheter (to keep me from moving much as this stuff can do funky things to you.) After 24 hours, my labor had stalled, so I was able to get off the mag and back on the terb. Contractions came back a little Tuesday evening, so I was sedated (to help relax me and the contractions.) Mid day on Wednesday, I was sent home with a prescription for terbutaline and a mild sedative for when things get ugly. And of course...to bed rest. By Thursday night, the contractions were five minutes apart, so my dose of terb was upped. However, my heartrate decided to stay at 140 for a couple of days. I went back in to L & D to check on Luke as the meds were making him feel like crap too Sunday ( one week from when the whole ordeal started.) I was taken off the terb and put on magnesium oxide.
Last Friday morning, I lost part of my mucous plug. My doctor had told me to call if this happened as it could be a sign of further dialation, so I did. I'm told by the nurse to RUN to L & D. I get there and the nurse treated me like sh**. She didn't understand why I was there as I wasn't even really contracting. Come to find out, the nurse at the doctors office had told him I was BLEEDING. (smacks hand on forehead)
WELL...while we are there, I start contracting. HEAVILY. The nurse freaks out and gives me a shot of the terb. (my body just laughs at this point) An hour later, contractions are yet again 5 minutes apart. Another shot.
After 6 freaking hours there, I'm finally sent home with orders to take BOTH magnesium oxide and terbutaline. (those sedatives are becoming my friend.)
I hit 34 weeks today. I also had a doctor's appointment today and it seems like all is well. What contractions I am having are not doing anything, Luke looks great. It's estimated that he weighs 6 pounds right now (holy cow.) I only have two more weeks of bedrest (thank God, I'm going crazy.) Then Luke can come whenever he wants.

I've got some funny stories to tell of family and nurses and hospital stays...but I'll get to those later. Luke is hungry and I've got a large tub of yogurt calling my name!
Hugs to all.

Well, Crap.

2007-03-28T11:13:00.000-06:00

63 Days and Counting!

2007-03-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

Hit 31 weeks today. I can't believe it's getting so close. I have had a nice relapse back into Hyperemesis, but as long as I am dilegent about my meds, I can control it. I just can't wait to hold Luke for the first time. I'm starting to discover that he gets very still and quiet on days he has growth spurts..so I don't freak out as much as I used to when I don't feel him squirm around for a while. I've only had some Braxton Hicks contractions (not too bad so far.) No signs of a premie birth! Yahoo.

We have an ARD for Jon on Friday. The school is going to have to explain to me why it is that he did not qualify for speech therapy. It may be a bit of an ugly one...

Staci's been holding onto a fever the past 4 days or so. She's got a nice viral infection, so we're just trying to wait it out and keep her on motrin and tylenol for the fever. She's not eating very well...but I'm sure she'll catch up when she's feeling better.

Destiny is still learning to control her emotions. She had a tantrum at school yesterday. She was playing T-ball at p.e. and when she missed the ball, threw the bat as hard as she could and started screaming and crying. So we had a talk about being a good sport and just trying again. We may have issues with her controlling her temper.....all normal considering what she's been through.

Bobby is looking at some serious life changes in the next few months. He may be joining the National Guard this summer (Hooah) I'm really excited for him. It may be hard to have him gone on basic training (and then officers school) but it'll be worth it. He's also decided (once he's comfortably in the guard) to go back to school. He wants to teach and coach football. I love that he's got new dreams.

He decided to do this because he's discovered over the past few months the sacrifice it takes to be a manager in retail. Never being home, not being able to go to my doctor's appointments, not seeing the kids, and working 11 hours a day is hard...I can't wait to see him reaching for his new goals.

I love a good adventure (in case you can't tell!)

Holy Cow, I need to post more often,,,,

2007-03-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

So, it's been two weeks since we finalized our adoption. The kids are doing great and loving that they are now ours! Destiny has been testing us a bit...you know, "Let's see if you still love me when I do this!" Type of stuff, but it's not more than we can handle. She's such a doll and when she misbehaves, it's hard to not laugh it off. I love that kid!

We are now in week 30 of the pregnancy and all continues to go well. Luke moves a lot and I love to feel him squirm around. The kids have all gotten to feeel him move and they just giggle and laugh! Jon even kissed my belly! He's not one for showing emotion, so this was a big thing for him. I can't believe my due date is only 10 weeks away. I can't wait to hold our baby!

And now for my topic of choice today....and I know I'm going to tick some people off, so please remember this is my own opinion. I am not in any way questioning the idea, just the way it is being discussed...

Have you heard about the possible uterus transplant that a hospital in New York has in the works? I read an article about it and to be quite honest, it really ticked me off. They labeled the infertile woman as "defective." DEFECTIVE! As though we are a piece of equipment that needs to be replaced. (Now remember, I'm questioning this person's word choices, not ideas...)
So let's take a quick look at this. Your target audience is women who have struggled for a lifetime to reach the goal of having a baby. They have cried, screamed, mourned, and tortured their bodies to the point of extreme hurt and exhaustion so that they can be called defective. For someone working to "help" these women, you deserve a quick kick in the pants. How dare you take someone's pain and misery and then call them defective. How dare you make someone who already hurts and feels miserable and add to that. How dare you make someone feel even worse than they already do.

I find this as yet another way people who have never struggled infertility just don't get it. They just don't understand how it feels...and they don't educate themselves on the human aspect of it all. It sucks to know that it's your fault you can't make or keep a baby. I thought many times about how much I sucked because my body didn't perform the most human of all tasks...and then to read that someone has called fellow infertiles "defective' really ticks me off.

I really and truely hope and pray that someday, infertility will become something easier to treat. I hope that medical science can get to a place where a woman doesn't have to struggle for years and years to have a baby. I wait for the day when women don't break down in the bathroom after starting their periods. But I could never take treatments from someone who labeled me as this person did. I am not a machine. Educate yourselves people...that's the only way to reach a person hurting as much as the infertile does.

End of rant....

Forever....

2007-01-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

The word 'forever' has been on my mind a lot lately. Mostly because we finally, after all the waiting and waiting, watching and fighting, we have a court date!!! We will finalize the adoption of our children on Valentines Day. It's going to be a great day! It just so happens that our good friends will be celebrating the adoption of their son on the same day, in the same court, right after us!! I can't wait until this whole thing is finally done and over with.

So back to my word of the day:

The Random House Websters College Dictionary says that forever means "without ever ending...always."

As of Valentines Day, our kids will be ours 'forever."
We will be a forever family...
Nothing will ever separate us or come between us as a family.

So I finally have a forum to talk about something that has bothered me for a long time.
I have read elsewhere, in other blogs and forums, people critisizing the use of the phrase "forever family." It has been referred to as "corney" and "silly." It has been said that it just sounds too sappy. Well, that might be for some people, but for many, it is a phrase that means the world to them.

When our kids first came home, we were asked almost daily for the first two months if they were going to get to live with us "forever." These kids had been ripped away from not just one, but two homes. They had been moved hundreds of miles away from everything they had ever known. And all they wanted was to know that it would never happen again. And every once in a while, Destiny will say something like, "we get to stay with you forever, right mommy?"

Forever; always. Yes, baby, you get to stay with us forever. We are a forever family. You will never know that kind of heart ache again. You will never need to say good bye to us. We will 'always' be your mommy and daddy. And once that judge decrees it, we never have to look back.

You see, many people might find the use of the term 'forever family' silly, but to me and my children, it brings a sense of hope and security. To many children, it means never having to grieve another loss of family, it means they are safe in the arms of mom and dad.

And in just a couple of short weeks, we can finally call ourselves a forever family.
I like that word. Forever.
Did you know that in the Jewish tradition, biological children can be disowned but an adopted child can't? They are with that family forever, no matter what. No matter what they do, no matter where they go, they are always a part of that family. How awesome is that? A child who had nothing will always have something.

Adoption rocks.
And so does the word forever.

24 weeks!

2007-01-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

Well, we're just about to hit 24 weeks!!!! I hate to sound morbid, but I love that I'm getting so far along. If something were to go wrong and I'd have to give birth, Luke has a much better chance at surviving and thriving.

I have my next doctor's appointment in 2 weeks and then another ultrasound in 4. He tends to make me nervous since he's not a big mover and shaker. I'm hoping this means he'll be a calm baby...

I had a bit of a relapse this weekend. Got real sick with tons of vomiting. I seem to be feeling better now. Poor Luke got quite upset during the vomiting episodes. I have to say it was a strange feeling to be throwing up and feeling Luke move around at the same time.

We've finally started collecting baby stuff. I was so scared for so long that I refused to buy anything for him. We now have some clothes, a bouncer, and his basinet! I love laying down on the couch staring at it. I still can't believe we're collecting baby stuff! I never thought I would see this day. Even when I got the positive pregnancy test, I just didn't think it would last. But my Mom did. She told me right away that this baby was meant to be and that he would be fine. She even knew, from the first time she saw me pregnant, that it was a boy. She could tell. My mom can always tell with me. And now I'm starting to believe her. I'm starting to believe that in a few months, I'll bring home a healthy baby boy.

On the adoption front, we got all our paper work into the attorney's office. We've had to put it off for so long due to the illness, but now we're full speed ahead! We're just waiting for the court date now...hopefully it won't take too long. I can't wait to get this whole thing done and over with. I'll be so happy when we're done building our family and can start living!

Well, not much more to say...except I'm going to try doing prenatal yoga today....wish me luck! Bobby's gonna watch and laugh.

2007!

2007-01-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'll start this post with the teary eyed moment of the week:

We watched "Robin Hood: Prince of Theives" last night out of sheer Kevin Costner nostalgia. When the movie ended, the ever romantic Bryan Adams song "Everything I do, I do it for You" came on. Staci runs up to Bobby holds her arms up and says, "daddy! Dance!" So Bobby picks her up, starts to dance and sing to her, and I of course start crying my eyes out. It was so sweet. Staci just put her head on his shoulder and smiled as he sang to her. When the song was over, he put her down, walked into the kitchen, and almost cried. I don't think our hearts could have been fuller. I wanted to just live in that moment forever. *sigh*

So I've spent a lot of my new year thinking about the past and new beginnings. When 2006 began, we were starting over. We stopped the drugs and the treatments and the heartache and moved into a new light. And now, a year later, we have yet another new beginning on our hands. Our attorney is working on getting a court date for the finalization...we had to put it on hold while I was ill. I just can't wait until our kids can share not only our love, but our name as well. There's no doubt in my mind that these are our kids. They have totally taken over my heart and soul. I may be impatient sometimes, I may get frustrated, I may call my Mom asking for help for the afternoon sometimes, but I wouldn't want anything different for my life. It's just the way I imagined my perfect dream life to be.
I'm so incredibly thankful for all that I have. I came from a broken home, a single mom who worked and slaved to help us survive, and always knew that I wanted something different for my kids. I promised myself that I would get my education and marry someone who would be a great father. I told Bobby the instant he started talking marriage that he better decide if he really wants to marry me, because divorce was not in my future. I fell in love with him partly because of the love I saw between him and his father. I made a better future for myself...never knowing that together we would make a better home for my precious babies. I worked so hard for so long...and it was so worth it. I have an education and a job. I have my own house. Good cars. A terrific husband. I am so blessed to be able to give my children everything I missed. I always had food on the table and the love of my mom, but something was missing. And I thank God everyday that my kids never have to worry about how their dad feels about them. They know that they are his world. He loves them so much. He is a great Dad. I will always have the burden of knowing my Dad didn't want me around. But my kids will NEVER have to feel that. They are loved.
So I'm looking at 2007 as yet another start for not only my family but for myself. My goal for this year is to grow as a mom and as a person. I hope to continue on my path to a better life, a happy family, and a strong marriage. I believe that I can make my life what I want it to be...and I want to teach my children the same thing. Their lives are blank slates ready to be written on, and it will say whatever they want it to.

So here's to all the kids out there who are feeling lonely, left out, scared, and wondering what their lives will bring. It's up to you to make a change; and you can do anything you set your mind to.

My B'shert

2006-12-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

I was reading a post at "Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters" on B'shert and it really got me thinking. B'shert means "fate" in yiddish. It basically brings a word in for "what was meant to be." After everything we've been through in the past two years, I think that I am living a life that was "meant to be."

Christmas Eve, we went to a candle light service at church. No lights were on, the church was lit up by candles, music was playing. It was a truely beautiful place to be. I watched Destiny (also means fate....) during the first song and I saw tears flowing from her eyes. I asked what was wrong, and she just said, "my eyes are wet." After this, I went to the front to light the advent candles as Bobby gave the advent sermon. When I got back to my seat, Destiny was in massive tears. And. much to my surprise, she wanted me. She's always been Daddy's girl...why did she choose me?

As we sat there in the pew, I held her as she cried and cried into my chest. She cried through more songs. Jon, worried about his sister, chose a spot on my other side and put my arm around him. As we listened to the music, I rocked my two children. I kissed their foreheads. I held their hands. I told them how much I loved them. And at some point, I realized what was going on.

For the first time since she came home, Destiny felt the loss. She missed her former foster home. She felt the emptiness. You see, Christmas is a big deal for her foster parents. It's their holdiay. And she realized she would not be there this year. She had spent two years in their home, being loved by them. And for some reason, she chose me to help her. She's never had a special bond with another woman. She's never come to me when Bobby is right there. But that night, as we held hands and I stroked her hair, we magically connected. I cried with her. And I told her that no matter what, I would always be there for her. And as I sat there, holding my children, I felt more peace than I ever have. I am living my B'shert. This was the life that I was meant to have.

I try to imagine what my life would be like without them...and I can't. They are the best thing that ever happened to me. So many people constantly tell us how wonderful we are for "saving" these children. But I have to say, yet again, they saved me first. They brought purpose into my life, they brought life to my home, they brought Bobby and I so much closer together.

They are a part of my soul, a peice of my heart.
And then there's Luke. We can in no way forget him. He's a part of the miracle we are living. I am now 21 weeks pregnant and today I was taken off rest. I will be going back to work soon! I will be able to work, light duty, until I deliver. I am only on 1 medication for the hyperemesis now and am feeling much better. Stinky boy is doing great! I may not have gained much weight, but he's still doing well. He got some great stuff for Christmas (which is a whole other post btw.) I have started nesting to make room in our tiny house for yet another addition! I can't wait to bring the crib into our room. I can't wait to hear him cry for the first time. I can't wait to watch the kiddos with him.

B'shert. Fate. Destiny. What was meant to be.
And I'm so glad that it has brought me here.

Little Rays of Sunshine

2006-12-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

We discovered last week that Destiny cannot track objects with her left eye. A total "A HA!" Moment for us. She is now wearing the cutest glasses known to man during school and is already improving in her school work and reading. Yahoo!!!!
Jon is doing great! He's now cutting with regular scissors during school, is learning how to write his name, and can actually draw! Instead of just straight up and down lines, he's drawing trees and Mickey Mouse!
Staci is growing and growing! She's still working on potty training, but is totally in love with her daddy!

AND......

We found out today that the little bundle of joy that has caused us so much worry and illness is a stinkin BOY!!! Of course!!

His name is Samuel Lucas and will be called Luke. We got to watch him move and shake, suck his thumb, and clasp his hands together. Holy cow.

After so many years. After the infertility, the miscarriage, the surgery, and now the hyperemesis, I had convinced myself that something was going to be wrong. He was going to be too small for his age or be missing something. But he's perfect. Measuring right on with our due date. He weighs a staggering 9 ounces!!! I don't think I've ever been happier than I am right now. Our Christmas tree is full of little things the kids have made. Presents are stacked in the garage waiting to be wrapped and put under the tree for excited children on Christmas Eve. I'm geting ready to pick up my two oldest kids from school. Another is napping not ten feet away from me. I can't believe how my life has turned out.

Looking into the horizon and finding Hope

2006-11-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

For a very long time, I felt that infertility was the one thing in my life that made it hard. Infertility is what I struggled with. I fought it, yelled at it, tried to beat it, and hated it. It was the big white elephant sitting in the room for the first couple of years of our marriage. It was the raging stampede that could have destroyed us if we had let it. It almost destroyed me.

At a counseling session last year, one of our pastors told me that when I find the darkness of depression coming upon me, "yell at it. Scream at it. Get angry with it. Don't let it take hold of you." When I lost our first pregnancy, that's exactly what I did. Ironically, that moment was a turning point for me and for us. I became stronger than the hurt and the depression. I finally took control. It was a few months later that I decided to do what my heart was telling me to.

You see, I'm a firm believer in following your heart before anything else. You know deep inside you what is right for you. No doctor can tell you that. No person, no thing can. Science can find a reason for things, can tell us what medically is necessary. But it can't tell you what to do, or what you can't do. Always follow your heart. This is how we leave life with no regrets. This is how we know that no matter what happens, we made the right decision.

I followed my heart when I stopped trying to concieve. I followed my heart when I saw a picture of three beautiful kids who just wanted a mommy and daddy. And I followed my heart when I felt a small tug inside me to give conception one more try.

I'm tired. I'm always sick. I've already been back in the hospital.

But then I look into Destiny's eyes when she hugs me after school. Or I watch Jon play "Handy Manny" and "build" my house. I see Staci chasing after the cat, just wanting to love on him. And I feel the baby kick ever so lightly. And I remember why I struggled. I remember why I hurt so bad for so long.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I'm coming to terms with that.

We are getting ready to finalize the adoption of our first three miracles.

Our fourth miracle is 17 weeks along, making my life miserable already, and strong as an ox.

And my heart is full and happy. I'm so glad I followed it.

That's it. I just can't be normal.

2006-11-17T05:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long. I've been trying to wait until I feel good before I post. I'm just not the type of person who wants to write about how terrible life is and how bad I feel. But it seems as though things may not change for a while.

I am a terrible infertile.

I struggled and struggled for this pregnancy and now I realize that I don't like it. And it doesn't like me back.

I have something called hyperemesis. Only about 2% of pregnant women get this. It's a severe form of morning sickness. I basically stopped eating and drinking and was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago. I stayed there for 8 days and have been told by my doctor that he will admit me again if I stop eating again. I'm on five different medications to help me eat and keep food down. I have fainting spells,, low blood pressure, dizziness, and have zero energy. AND I'm feeling better than I have in two months. I am now eating and have gained about 4 pounds in the past three weeks. I had lost over 10% of my pre pregnancy body weight. For most women, this goes away in the second trimester. I'm now at 15 weeks and my doctor told me Wednesday that chances are, it's here until I deliver. I'm on medical leave from work for who knows how long and am told that under no conditions am I to drive. So I'm basically good for nothing except laying in bed all day. I suck.

Poor Bobby is having to do a lot of the work. He's just gotten a promotion at work and is at a really critical time, he has to drop the kids off at school and daycare and pick them up, feed them, clean house (okay, he hired a maid for that!) and every thing else in between. I'd love to keep Staci with me during the day, but I just can't do it yet. We may have to change Jon's school because picking him up is becomming and issue. I wish with all my heart I could help him.

The baby is okay. I got to see Squirt about two weeks ago and it was kicking and moving around. It'll probably have low birth weight due to my sickness, but other than that it doesn't seem to have been affected. I'm not really showing too much yet, what with being so sick, but hopefully we'll grow soon. The day after I was able to eat solid foods again, I felt major growing pains. My hips are also starting to spread. Weird.

Sorry to be a downer. I'm very depressed right now and am getting angry at the whole situation. I just want to hold our baby and feel better. It seems like so little to ask.

So much to say, so few words to say it with

2006-10-23T16:54:00.000-06:00

These past few weeks have been so surreal. I can't believe I spoke with our lawyer today about the finalization. I can't believe that Teresa and I (okay, mostly Teresa) are making the girls' dresses for the finalization, party, and family portrait. I can't believe that, very soon, our children will share our last name along with our love.

I can't believe that in six months, we'll be adding another child to our family.

I can't believe I'm already showing.

I can't believe I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

After everything we went through, I had (happily) resolved that I would never have biological children. I would never get pregnant. And I was very okay with that. I love the miracle of adoption. It has given me more joy that anything else in this world. I would even get mad at people who would tell me "You're going to get pregnant now!" I would get angry and practically yell at them. I was very happy with my children. Bobby and I were even talking about our next adoption already. Well, add me to the statistics. Classic case.

I've known about our pregnancy for almost two months now and I'm just now starting to wrap my head around it. There really is someone inside me growing and alive. It has a heart beat. It's moving around. My kids touch my belly wondering about what it is that's in there. They get excited about the idea of having another baby (they love babies and have been around them all their lives.) They get excited about going with me to buy the baby clothes. They've dealt with it so well, I have to ask myself if I've dealt with it as well as they have. I've questioned many things, I've been scared out of my mind, I've almost shut down at times.

I always promised myself that I would never be one of those horrible pregnant women who do nothing but complain. I had worked too long for this and would enjoy every moment. Every symptom. Well, the good Lord has seen fit for me to experience every symptom, every single one of those "joys of pregnancy.". I've been nauseous 24 hours a day for over 6 weeks now. I can't eat, I can't drink, I'm spending the majority of my time dry heaving. I'm dizzy. I have head aches.

Is it worth it? Of course. But added to the stress of "holy crap, what's going on" and things are not as rosy as I would like them to be. Well, not in the "I'm so happy i could dance a jig" kind of way. I'm.......so happy I could........honestly..........take a nap. It's just so unforeseen, so sudden.

Well, now that I've vented and told you how life sucks and such, I'll get off my high horse.

I truely am greatful for the opportunity God has given me. I am so blessed. I rub my belly all the time. I'm thinking of names. And next week, after my 13 week doctor's appointment, I'm going to buy bottles. And once my morning sickness eases up, I will enjoy every moment.

I just need to feel a bit like a human again, then life will move on and I'll prepare for the next step.

And I was worried!!!!

2006-10-11T14:41:00.000-06:00

Are you ready for this??? You sure????? Make sure now!!!

I just got a call from our social worker. CPS is ready to finalize the adoption. They want it done next month. They're not making us travel to San Antonio. They're letting us do it over the phone. OMG!!!!!!!!!!

FYI: Things never happen this way. We havn't even signed the adoptive placement paper work yet (we will soon.) Usually, once that paper work is signed, THEN you start working on the adoption and it can take several months before finalization.

HOLY QUICK FINALIZATION BATMAN!!!!!!

I love CPS. I love our social worker.

I love our children so much.

My Journey through IF

2006-10-08T19:52:00.000-06:00

It was four years ago this month that we decided to go off the Pill. We had been married for three years and our lives were moving in an upward direction and we realized that we were just about ready for kids. We weren't exactly trying, but we weren't going to stop anything either. I was so excited about the idea. So off the Pill I went.
I then proceeded to not have a period for 8 months. We forced a period. Waited another 5 months. Forced a period. This time we waited 3 months before we went to the meds. Finally, a year and a half after we got off the pill, I began to have somewhat normal periods. By this time, I knew something was wrong. I tried to talk to Bobby about it. "Honey, I don't know if I can have kids." He wouldn't even think of hearing it. "Just don't worry." He would tell me. I also tried to prepare our families. Everyone thought it was all in my head.
We decided to up our trying status. We actively tried. I even thought it may have worked a couple of times, but nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Two years ago, Bobby called one day to let me know that one of our good friends was going to have a baby. I finally broke down and said, "When will it be my turn. Isn't it my turn?" "You're right," he said, "call your doctor." And I started Clomid. Here's the breakdown: When on clomid, Dr. G would check my hormone levels to check if I ovulated (I think he checked progesterone, I've blocked it out.) This hormone must be at least at 10 - 15 in order to ovulate....month three of 150 mg of Clomid, I was at 0.08. I kid you not.
Month 5 I finally ovulated. But nothing. Month 6. Nothing. Dr. G then referred us to our IF (infertility) specialist, Dr. N. He's one of the best. It was a 2 month wait before we could get in, so we took a wonderful repreive from baby making. And as luck would have it, we concieved. The day I found out was one of the best in my life. I walked on air. Then just a few days later, I miscarried. I wasn't sure Iwould make it through. I never realized how much losing a pregnancy could hurt. I didn't want to breath anymore, let alone move on. But somehow I did. Somehow we picked up the pieces and just a week after the miscarriage, we went to Dr. N's office. He immediatly recommended surgery.
December 7 of last year, I had a laperoscopy and hysteroscopy to diagnose my infertility issues. My tubes were clear, but Dr. N removed stage 3 endometriosis and diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome.) We were set to begin treatments that included injectables and IUI within weeks. Now, let me tell you, I had to really pump myself up for this. I've never been the type to go for the invasive treatments. I'm very pro adoption and we decided years ago that we would adopt no matter what. So I go in, just three weeks after my surgery, pumped and ready to go. And then I get told that I have to go back on the birth control pill. In just those few days, I had grown a large cyst on one of my ovaries and could not begin treatments. Because of it's size we discussed surgery if the cyst did not go down within two months. I went home and cried. I was devasted, tired, and was melting away. I sat down and told Bobby,"It's time for you to play the man card. Make the decision here. I just can't do it anymore." To which he said, "You're done. I can't watch you go through this anymore. I want my wife back." So I took out my adoption applications, took a deep sigh of relief, and began the process to adopt a baby from Korea.
Just weeks after sending our application in, I got pulled in another direction. You see, a good friend of mine knew of three kids who would be up for adoption within the week. Her parents had fostered the kids for two years. So she showed me their picture and told me about them. I spoke with their foster mom. And then I let it go. A week later, Friday afternoon, I got a text message "They're free. They're up for adoption."
So we took Saturday and went over to my friends home to discuss the matter. We found out about them, looked at more pictures. By Sunday morning, we knew what we had to do. And the rest, as they say, is history. Not 10 weeks after my surgery, I met our children. I'll never forget that day. It was February 18, a day that will forever be marked in my head. On May 6, they came home and I finally became a Mom. That was my one great desire. And they fulfilled it like no other could. And I began to heal.
Then came August.
So we decided to stay on the pill just to keep me as healthy as possible. Well, I woke up one morning in August and realized I had forgotten to get my prescription. I should have started taking it three days ago. Well, no biggie, I figured I'd force a period after my anual in November and get back on it. He he he. That same day, I felt something happen. Both my ovaries, at exactly the same time, tightened. Hard. They stayed this way fro about 10 seconds and then just relaxed. 14 days after my period began, I ovulated. I kid you not. Now, I havn't done this very often, so I knew exactly what happened. We were sitting watching TV and I almost yelled, "I just ovulated!" Bobby took one look at me and said, "Hey, why not. Let's go for it."
It worked.
I'm now 9 weeks 5 days along. We saw the heartbeat on Thursday. OMG.
I havn't said anything simply because we hadn't told the kids yet. I didn't want them to feel the hurt if something went wrong. Well, we told them tonight. They are just thrilled. I've made it clear that this baby belongs to them too. That they are now and will always be a part of our family. Destiny has already made plans to go shopping for baby clothes with me. She hugged and kissed me and said, "Mommy, I'm so glad you're gonna have a baby!"
We also told our social worker. I was so afraid that this would hinder our adoption, but she couldn't be happier.
Well, this is a long post and I bet you're tired. There is much more to say, but I'll post more later. Any prayers and thoughts would be appreciated. We're still in the danger zone and I'm very scared.

Much love.

Quick Update!

2006-10-02T14:44:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it's been a LONG time since I've updated!!

So, in our world this month...
We still havn't signed to adoptive placment paperwork and I'm getting upset about it! All we're waiting on is the kids' case files which we asked for over two months ago. AAAAAH! The kiddos are doing great. Staci did NOT qualify for ECI (early childhood intervention) woo hoo! Our CPS worker visited Destiny at school and miss D. had a blast. Her worker said it was like seeing Destiny in her "element!" I'm so glad. D. usually has a fear of CPS visits. maybe this one'll help bring her out of her shell a little bit. Jon is doing good. Right now we're focusing on fine motor skills. So we practice coloring inside lines a lot, making sure we eat all our food with a fork or spoon, and we wrestle a lot with him. I've noticed some improvement in his strength.
As for me...we've already finished the first six weeks of school. I can't believe it. My students are doing pretty well. It's always good to watch them grow and learn throughout the year. I can't wait to see what they're like at the end of the year. Especially my reading workshop. THey have sooo much potential!!!
Bob has inventory this week. He's working 12 hour days for the next few days. YUCK! The kids really miss him when he's gone so much! He's also going to a music festival in New Braunfels this weekend, so he'll be gone for three days! I think I may need my Mommy!!!

I'll try to post something more interesting next time! Until then!

YES!!!!!

2006-09-13T11:13:00.000-06:00

We had a visit with our s/w yesterday and guess what!!! We'll be able to sign the adoptive placement paperwork within a few weeks!!!!!! I'm so excited! Finally, the process for adoption is officially rolling. We should be able to finalize by December, latest. I can't believe it. Time has gone by so fast. Our s/w and the kiddos' CPS worker in San Antonio are just the best. They have been great every step of the way and I cannot thank them enough. It feels good that someone is out there lobbying and fighting for us and our kids. They even waived the six month waiting period (or we wouldv'e had to wait until November to sign these papers.)
In some ways, it feels as though our family has been together forever. But in others, it feels like it was just a little bit ago that Bobby and I were so devastated and having a hard time starting our family. God has been so giving to us. I don't know if I'll ever get over the pain I went through, but I know that we have been given some incredible incredible gifts. My tears have become those of joy. My aches and pains have become those of having carried a two year old around all day while also working with my other children. My fears now revolve around taking care of them, instead of wondering what the future will hold. My life has more focus, more joy, more laughter than I ever thought possible.

Is our family complete?
I don't think so.
Will we adopt again?
We don't know. But one thing is for sure. We are definitly fulfilled.

?

2006-09-07T08:12:00.000-06:00

Strange things are a foot.....tell you more later....

The kids are doing great! Staci may be getting ready to poop in the potty. She tells us "potty" now when she's gone in her pull up. Cross your fingers!

Jon is a mixture of Superman, Spiderman, the Flash, and Bob the Builder right now. Oh and Darkwing Duck! It's kind of hard to keep up with who he's supposed to be at any given moment!

Destiny is officially reading!!!!!
It's like reading that first sentence opened a door in her mind! She's getting it now. We read four "ready to read" books from Barnes and Noble last night. By the last book, she had learned about 3 more sight words and was reading almost complete sentences with a little help using phonics from me! I'm definitly doing a happy dance here! She even got excited when we read the word "cup". Mommy! That sounds like up!!!! Look (covers the "c") it's up! I almost peed my pants.
She's learning to come to me when she needs something. Especially when it's an emotional need. That was hard for her. She got in trouble for lying the other day and after our talk, I looked into her eyes and said "I love you" four times. I think this may have helped.

The dog is here.

2006-09-05T16:27:00.000-06:00

The dog is here.

The four most beautiful words in the world.
Why?

Destiny read her very first sentence today and this was it.
The dog is here.
I'm still crying.

She went an entire year not learning one sight word and not knowing how sound out words. But now, things are different. She has a daddy and a mommy. She is getting more and more comfortable. She is stable. She is learning!

She is ablsolutely wonderful.
This was quite a large sentence for her first one, but she did it.
She can do anything. She's my super hero.
She told me right after she read it, "Mommy! I'm becoming a princess!"
No baby, you already are a princess. 100% princess.

And I am so very proud of you.

Beautiful girl with all the curls
Darling of our lives
Taken from the breath of God
And left to my design

I don't know why you chose me
But I know where we've been
And I promise you
with all my heart

I've loved you...

since before I knew about you
since before you came home
since before you could even dare to dream and hope

And I'll love you
for all time.

Okay, so now here comes mommy hood!

2006-08-29T17:21:00.000-06:00

Sooooooo
We're watching some kind of football thing on Saturday with my in-laws. The kiddos are playing around having a good time. Jon is having a hard time putting a strap on his baseball helmet, gets frustrated and says "DAMMIT!"
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I think this in my mind, I don't think that came out of my mouth)
Now, knowing that he's four and this is a first for him, I (try to) stay calm and say, "Jon, that's an ugly word. You don't need to say that. Now go to time out." Since my in-laws are there, this becomes a huge production. Crocodile tears people. Crocodile tears.

Fast forward to Monday. I pick Jon and rush back to work in order to hold detention. He's having fun coloring and talking to me while I'm Breakfast Clubbing it with a bunch of teenagers. Jon pops up, in as loud a voice he can muster, "Mommy, I can't say Dammit!" Again with the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
Now, I realize he wasn't saying it to say it, he was telling me he understood, so I don't get angry.

Me: No Jon, you can't say that word. It's ugly.
Jon: Only Daddy can say Dammit!!!!
Me: (he he he he he to self)
Jon: I can't say Dammit!

Remember, I'm holding detention and half the students are beginning to crack....
Me: Okay honey, don't say it anymore.
Jon: I can't say dammit.
Me: Honey, stop it (giggle)
Jon: Nope can't say..
Me: JON!

By now, all 20 students are eyeing me for my reaction and I"m almost rolling on the floor laughing at this point. It was too funny!
Now, before you think I'm a terrible parent, you have to know Jon. Repetition works for him. He thrives on it. This is how he learns. All he was doing was checking to make sure he had learned correctly. He wasn't doing it to push buttons or anything.

Anddddddd!
Staci is finally becoming a Daddy's girl.
She was sent to time out earlier today and began to drama. All of a sudden I hear, "I wan't Daddy!" Bobby was very thrilled to hear about this.

Fine. He knows the next baby we get will be a boy....just wait honey. Just wait. he he he he

Just some Tib Bits

2006-08-22T20:57:00.000-06:00

Jon:

We're talking after school one day when Jon says, "Mommy, I don't have to go to school tomorrow!"

Me: Yes honey.
Jon: Nuh uh
Me: really?
Jon: my teacher said I don't have to go back tomorrow
Me: I don't think so
Jon: yes she did, I don't have to go to school tomorrow
Me: yes you do
Jon: Nope!

Stinker.

Destiny:

Is doing great!!! She's learning sight words!!! I'm so excited. I bet she can read a really short book soon!!! She had a slight fever today, but went right down with Motrin.

Staci:

Has had a terrible bladder infection! My poor baby. She's getting better though and only has several more days of antibiotic. She's now in her terrible, I mean her wonderful, energetic, light hearted, two's. She has more mood swings than a woman with PMS. I wonder if chocolate will help her....hmmmmm

Me:

Tired. Tired. Tired.

And loving every minute of it.
I love lack of sleep.
I love crying babies
I love dirty kitchens
I love making little lunches
I love that it takes me an hour to pick everyone up after school/work
I love little hugs and kisses at 5:45 am
I love getting up at night and watching them sleep
And I love all many many little things that happen during the day.

And Bobby:

Who else would have sat with me in the ER while Staci cried and cried for hours on end?

Who else would (try to ) clean the kitchen every night for me?

Who else would hold my hand as I go to sleep every night?

Who else can hold Destiny and make her feel that she's his whole world?

Who else can smile at his son and make the whole room light up?

Who else would have actually listened when I mentioned that three children were up for adoption?!

Having children has really changed us and our marriage, but one thing's for sure. It can make things so much better!

Common Thread Project

2006-08-19T12:59:00.000-06:00

This is really cool. I think this is a great idea! How great would it be to see someone wearing one of these and knowing that you are not alone in the world. I'm getting mine today.

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/08/common-thread-project.html

I made a promise to myself that even when I've started my family (via adoption or giving birth)that I would be there for anyone who was dealing with infertility. It is such a hard journey to be on. I hope this idea gets around, it might give me an opportunity to not only help, but to raise awareness. We, as a community, need to be there for each other, our friends and commrades.

Even if you've never had issues with fertility, if you see someone wearing a pomegranate colored string, say a prayer for them and their families.

Love to all.

Life as a Mom

2006-08-15T20:17:00.000-06:00

Okay, so this Mom thing...what a job. I'm so glad I had the summer to get used to SOME of the everyday stuff before I had to go back to work. Now that work and school have started...WOW! I'm up at 5:30 and don't stop until the kiddos go to bed at 8:00. Shower, get dressed, wake kids up, feed kids, make lunches, make food for myself, leave house. Drop off Staci, drop off Destiny, go to work. Get to work just as the first bell rings for school to start. Teach, teach, teach. Pick up Jon from school, pick up Destiny and Staci. Go home. Tutor Destiny on her reading (sight words are key this week!) Cook. Eat. Bath time. Bed time.

Non stop people. Non stop.

Did I mention that Staci has learned the art of the dirty look? Oh boy. My poor baby has had time out at least once a day for the past week!

Well, get back to ya'll later, the shower beckons me. (My students might appreciate it in the morning!!)

Unwritten

2006-08-06T20:07:00.000-06:00

Bobby and I have been coming up with possible songs for us to use for the kiddos adoption videos. I think we found the perfect one for Destiny. It's called "Unwritten." I'm sure you've heard it. It seems perfect for her. After a yucky start to life, she now has a chance to do whatever it is in the world she wants, and she'll always have her parents right behind her cheering her on.
So here's a bit of the lyrics from the song.

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten"

Your life is unwritten baby. Let's make it a good one.

Another New Start

2006-08-04T12:17:00.000-06:00

This is my last official weekday as a SAHM. I go back to work Monday. *cry* Later today I'll take enrollment papers to Staci's daycare and she'll start Monday too. So we're off to another new beginning. Jon will be starting school for the first time, Staci will be starting daycare for the first time, Destiny will be starting a new school, and I'll be going back to work. Wow. All in a matter of a week. Hmmm....

I'll no longer be spending the majority of my time cleaning and cooking (although you wouldn't think that's what I do what with all the food stuck to the kitchen floor, dishes in the sink, and toys all over the place!) My feet will be in high heels instead of barefoot with food particles stuck to the bottoms (let me tell you!! Those Kix can really stick!) I'll actually do my hair as opposed to the afro I've been studding around (yes, afro. I have short curly beyond curly hair). I'll be teaching 8th graders all day instead of my little preschool babies. I'll be talking to grown-ups instead of changing pull-ups (Staci still has little accidents.) An alarm clock will wake me up instead of children. I'll have to rush home to get dinner cooking. I'll have to make lunches at 9:00 at night. No more quiet time. And 3:00 will be my favorite time of the day. Another new start, another new kind of life.

I love adventure.

Conversations during (yet another) thunderstorm

2006-08-03T08:18:00.000-06:00

Scene: Destiny wakes me up at 1:30 am crying because her knee hurts, I give her some motrin and go back to bed. 10 minutes later, another large storm begins. Jon wakes up, comes into our room, and this is what happens.
Me: What's wrong, honey?
Jon: The storm tried to wake me up!
Me: Tried to wake you up? Yeah, that happens sometimes. Are you okay?
Jon: Yeah. Comes closer to my bed.
Me: Why don't you try to go back to sleep sweetheart.
Jon: *sigh*
Me: It's okay, babe. The rain, thunder, and lightning can't get in the house. We're safe, I promise. Try to go back to sleep.
Jon: But if I go back to sleep, the storm will just wake me up again.(How do you deal with a 4 year old that holds this kind logic?!)
Me: (thinking...thinking...thinking...) Well, it'll get quiet soon. (yes, that's all I could come up with!)
Jon: *sigh*
Me: Go back to bed, hon.
Jon: (moves closer to bed again...)
Me: Let's go back to sleep, okay?
Jon: (silence)
Me: 1....
Jon: (disapears faster than peanut butter during lunch)
That's it. My kids are smarter than me. Oh boy!

Joys in my life.....

2006-08-02T15:17:00.000-06:00

Here's a list of some of the joys in my life right now.

1. The last few days of summer vacation
2. The Tinkerbell back pack in my foyer
3. Diaper bags
4. Diapers and Pull-Ups
5. Having a laugh with my honey after the kids go to bed
6. Sleep
7. Tripping on toys
8. Picking up said toys that have been tripped on
9. Wrestling with kids
10. Listening to little baby burps
11. Retail therapy
12. Adoption papers
13. Sleep (did I mention how handy that comes in right now?)
14. Drying tearful eyes
15. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink to watch a movie late at night
16. Listening to the kids hum the Star Trek theme while I'm watching Next Gen. (I'm so proud!)
17. Arguing with Bob over who was a better captain, Kirk or Picard (we all know Picard was the best; though Kirk did get more action with the ladies!)
18. Watching Staci pick up Kix that fell to the floor during breakfast and eating them
19. Hearing Staci say a new word or phrase
20. Waiting for the next adventure of the day (which may include a certain 2 year old climbing a book case to the top, someone slamming into a wall because he couldn't stop running fast enough, or having to mend a cut because someone got to a kitchen knife. Okay that last one was me. Ya'll know I can't handle sharp instruments!)

Back in the Saddle Again!

2006-07-31T13:00:00.000-06:00

I think I was three years old the first time I was set on a horse. I've been in love ever since. I love the way being on a horse makes me feel. I'm always free to think clearly and it relieves loads of stress. It's my second home. In fact, my mom loves to joke that I'm more steady on a horse than my own two feet! I can't walk a straight line, but I sure can hold my seat in the saddle! Yee haw!!!

Well, last weekend, I got my first chance to get on a horse since we started fertility treatments and it felt so good! I only got to ride in the round pin for about ten minutes, but it was great,like coming home again. The kiddos watched on the side of the round pin and pretended they were riding too, it was so cute! I'm ordering a helmet for Destiny and we're going to start riding lessons for her in the coming month. She's already my little rodeo queen!

I'm working at downloading pics of my on Shelley, but blogger is giving me some trouble. Shelley's my Mom's miracle. Shelley almost died two years ago. After having emergency surgery to remove her ovaries, it was discovered that
Shelley had cysts on her ovaries that were causing lots of trouble. She and I are kindred spirits.

Monday's Checklist

2006-07-30T20:24:00.000-06:00

Okay, so here's my checklist for Monday:

Go to school district head office to get approval for Jon to enter preschool.

Call CPS to find out of approval for child care services funds
While on phone with CPS, find out if I have to fly to San Antonio this week to read case files or if they will send them to us and save me a trip (cross fingers.)

Call our SW to find our about develpmental check-ups and psychological eval results.

Go home and eat lunch, have quiet time.

During quiet time, clean house.

2:40 vision and hearing check-ups for all three kids.

??? Go home and scrounge something up for dinner.

Clean again.

Laundry.

Bathe children.

(have I hugged them yet today??)

Read to kids.

Bedtime.

Watch some of my Star Trek the Next Generation DVD's from the fifth season
(an I love you present from my wonderful honey who understands my need for this.)

Take lunesta to get myself to sleep.

Try not to twitch tonight.

Tuesday:
Start all over.

Have I mentioned how much I love being a mom?

;)

Rebirth

2006-07-27T15:09:00.000-06:00

I've been rereading Memoirs of a Geisha and I came upon something that really struck me. Here's a quote:
"...now I understood the thing that had puzzled me all morning. The stale air had
washed away. The past was gone...I could do nothing to change it. But I suppose
that for the past year I'd been dead in a way too...I'm not sure this will make sense
to you, but I felt as though I'd turned around to look in a different direction, so that
I no longer faced backward toward the past, but forward toward the future."
Wow. I've been working for months to come up with the words to describe how I felt in January the day we decided to stop trying to get pregnant and adopt. It was like being reborn, having the world taken off your shoulders. It was one of the best and worst days of my life. But it was the moment that all my hurts began to heal instead of being repeatedly ripped open. And now I look at my life and my three children and I don't even have to wonder if we made the right decision (for us.)
Not long after the kiddos came home, Bobby told me that he'd always thought that even if we never had any children, our family would be complete. "But these kids filled a hole in my heart I didn't even know was there. I understand now. I understand how you felt."
So here we go, living our new lives, turned in another direction, looking towards the sun instead of towards the dark. And what a beautiful sunrise it is.

The Stress Has Hit the Fan

2006-07-26T08:30:00.000-06:00

A few days ago, I started having what my doctor is calling tremors. While I'm sleeping, resting, or just sitting still, my body shakes. It usually lasts only a second or so, but it is scary. Almost like a siezure. It went on for ten hours the other night, so my doc prescribed Lunesta to help me sleep. Last night, I was out until about 2:00 am and then slept on and off. The meds did help calm my body down and I didn't shake as much. I have an MRI on my brain this afternoon and tomorrow I'll find out if I need to see a Neurologist. I'm sure it's all about stress...I go back to work in less than two weeks and I'm still not sure where Jon and Staci are going. I think I may have found someone I can trust as a nanny for Staci but I need a preschool for Jon too. The very fact that I'm going back to work and entrusting my kids with someone else is killing me. But the whole thing is scary, none the less.

It hasn't helped that Staci has some kind of infection and has been fussy for several days. I had to take her to the pediatrician yesterday. After two doses of tylenol, she still had fever and the infection had gotten into her eyes. Poor baby. She is such a good girl.

So for now I'm trying to rest as much as possible. Of course this means my house is a wreck and the kitchen is disgusting. But, I digress. I waited a long time to see tiny little shoes and matchbox cars laying all over my house. It's a sight of beauty to me. Just watch where your walking or you can add broken ankle to the list 'o' things wrong.

On a happier note, one of Bobby's best friends is getting married on Friday and Bobby's a groomsman. The wedding doesn't even start until 6:30, so it's parents' night out! The kids are staying with my in-laws for the night and I'll pick them up in the morning. Early. Like before the sun rises. ;)

Austin, Here we come!!!!!!!

2006-07-23T14:45:00.000-06:00

So, we've decided to go to Austin, TX for National Adoption Day to finalize the kids' adoptions! This means we don't have to hire a lawyer (already done for you), transfer the case, red tape, red tape, red tape all gone! No waiting for a court date! All our Social Worker has to do is send our information to Austin and it's all done....we basically just show up! I'm so excited! So, November 18, we go to court and our babies will for the record, officially, be ours forever. Yahooo! Here's to a short wait, lots of fun, and a great trip to our state's capitol.

On the road again.....I can't wait to get on the road again!

The legend of the white sink

2006-07-21T18:53:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a sink. A beautiful sink, the envy of the land. One day, a bright, funny, energetic, non-mom bought this sink to call her own. It was a wonderful sink. It had two quite large basins, was majestic and perfect in every way. It's new owner even bought it a gorgeous faucet to match the beauty of the sink. They were the perfect pair. The sink was a great friend to his new owner. It held all the dishes, looked pretty when it was empty, and shined all the time! What the sink didn't know was that three gorgeous kids were coming home to add to the beauty of the house. The poor sink begged, pleaded with it's owner, "Please don't let them near me!" But she didn't listen. Now the poor sink, the hero of our story and at one time the bright star of the kitchen, is just not white or shiny any more. Sinky is now turning a strange shade of brown (when you can see the bottom of it.) It also has silver lines on it revealing the exact places where the kids have scraped their dishes into the sink. It needs a good scrubbing with comet if the lady wants it to shine at all, but where, oh where, is there time for that?
Poor poor sinky. If only it's proud owner had bought it in another color. It's beauty might still be shining. But, alas, the beauty of the sink is no more. Never shiny, never proud, never empty. *sigh*

Post #2 for today...

2006-07-19T17:26:00.000-06:00

Here's a story I wrote not long after the kids got home. Thought I'd share it with those of you who havn't read it yet.

Everything I need to know about being a Mom a learned from Sams Club.

So I had my first trip to Sam's Club as a Mom a few days ago. I was quite excited as Bob is a manager there and I'd get to see some of his co-workers and chit chat. I left the kiddos with my mother-in-law and headed into the Club with a light heart and lots of excitement. Bobby walkedwith me for a while and we talked as I loaded 500 pounds of meat into the cart. He then went back to work and I proceeded to shove the rest of the food into my cart. Quite a while later, as I was getting ready to go to the check out stands, Bob walks up and helps me with the cart (which now weighed about three tons.) We checked out and I got ready to take our food home!!! Now, before I go any further, I should note that our Sam's Club is under construction right now for a remodel. So that means the parking lot is a terrible mess. Okay, so I begin to walk out of the club and forget that there is a bit of a bump...I try to take it at an angle and 900 pounds of cart goes flying to the side and runs straight into a fence. (I should also tell you that there is only enough room for one person to get through at a time, so there are several people behind me waiting.) So I straighten out and make my way up a hill to my car. Twenty sore muscles and a sunburn later, I make it to thecar, my little Dodge Stratus that we bought two months before we found out about the kids and the reason we can't buy a van yet, open the trunk, and see the stroller amongst several other kiddy things taking up lots of room. I then peek into the backseat and am reminded that there are three car seats there. So with a lot of maneuvering that I learned from being a carry out as a teenager, I was able to fit my load of groceries into the car. I turn the car on, press the gas, and I swear I heard the car cry. So I had a pep talk with the car and was on my way. Once home, I realize that it is all up to me to get the food from the car to the house with out any bags or boxes. "Okay, I can do this." My mantra becomes, "I think I can I think I can I think I can." By some miracle, I get the food into the house pretty quickly. I walk over to the fridge, that by the way is used to holding a gallon of milk, a bottle of ketchup, and a carton of eggs, and begin to fill it. Now, after awhile, I can see the fridge figuring out what is going on. "Where is all that food going?" It asks me. Carefully I try to explain that it is the fridge and that's where food goes. "You want me to do what?! I can't hold all of that! I know your organization skills. You're gonna kill me!" I try to calm it down and resume filling it. After about an hour, even the dog, my most trusted friend, is laughing at me. So here's the point. There are so many things that we need to know about being a Mom. We need to know patience (my trip took about 3 hours total.) We need to have strength (I'm still sore.) But I think the biggest thing that we need as moms is encouragement and help. If I had let someone help me carry out the food, things may have been easier. If I had asked someone to go with me, I would have had help. I'm beginning to learn that there is no Supermom. I can't do everything and be everywhere. There's an old saying that says "It takes a villiage to raise achild." And it's true. It's okay to ask for help, it's okay to not have all the answers, there's someone out there to lift us up, love us, and encourage us. As long as we stand on Him and His promises, there's nowhere we can't go and nothing we can't do for our children

A look into the coming year....feeling nostalgic.

2006-07-19T16:25:00.000-06:00

The closer the school year gets, the more excited I get about all the changes that have taken place this year and the things that will continue to change next year. We have, in one year, bought our first house and adopted three children. We've had ups and downs that could have destroyed our marriage, but they made it stronger. We are discovering the joys of parent hood and the love that comes with it. I have am making peace with who I am and how my body works (or doesn't work ;) ) It really is crazy how many changes can take place in just one short year.

And now a look into the coming year:
My children will be adopted into their forever family. Destiny will have another chance at success in school. Jon will recieve help with his speech and will hopefully get some physical therapy. Staci will continue to learn about her world and grow into a little girl instead of a baby. We will keep bonding...we will grow as parents and as a family. The kiddos will continue to heal, I will continue to heal. And we will have all the ups and downs families have. I can't wait! Even though being an instant mom of three is hard and there are times when I call my Mommy crying begging for help, I love my life. I love my children. I love being a mom. I can't wait to go camping for the first time. I can't wait to take the kids to the Grand Canyon, the Petrified Forest, and even just to Waco the meet my family. I can't wait for Destiny to read her first full sentence or for Jon to play soccer. I can't wait to finalize their adoption!

For so long, it was like I lived in pain and had to force myself just to breathe. Now, I don't know what I did to be so blessed. So many people have told me what a blessing it is for the kids that we are adopting them, but really, it's the other way around. They have blessed us in uncountable ways.

So, here's to a great school year!

2006-07-18T18:11:00.000-06:00

That's it. Staci is officially two. She is now pouting and throwing herself on the floor when she doesn't get what she wants. Let me tell you how big that lower lip can get. It is sooooo cute!

We have a lot of stuff going on this week. Tomorrow our social worker comes out for a visit and CPS comes out of Friday. I hope Destiny takes it better this time. She was really bothered by the last visit and would not leave my lap. We had psychological evals today and I'm quite curious to see what he says. Man, I'm already tired.

Well, my wonderful husband just got home and is staring at me....I think I should go.

Bye for now.

Updates!!!!!

2006-07-17T15:06:00.000-06:00

Oops! I didn't mean to take so long updating this blog! I find it difficult to keep track of time now a days. Well, our children have been home for over two months now! We've had so many successes with them. Destiny is totally and completely daddy's little girl. She''s also gaining strong bonds with both her grandfathers (bobby's dad and my step dad.) I'm so happy she is bonding with these guys. she needs to know that she can count on the men in her life. Both Destiny and Jon have psychological testing tomorrow. It's hard to say how I feel about it. Not really nervous, I just want it to be over. I've started talking to them about what their new middle names will be. They're processesing it right now, I'm not sure how they feel yet. Staci is really working at the potty training thing. It'll take some time, but she's doing great. She has more successes than failures, which is wonderful considering she's only just turned two.
We got some adoption paper work the other day, but we need to have some more things done before we can fill them out. It's our first step towards adoption and we couldn't be happier.
I can honestly say that I am totally and completely in love with these children. Every day is such a blessing to me. I've gone from being totally empty and broken to having all my dreams fulfilled. I can only hope that I can be a good Mom for them. They deserve to have so much. When I listen to them laugh, my heart skips a beat. As I watch them run around the house and play, I feel like I'm living in joy. My absolute favorite time of the day is when Bobby gets home. I love to hear the kids yelling "DADDY! DADDY!" as he walks in the door.

Jon had his first birthday party with us yesterday. He had a blast. Of course he had to have a Superman party! He had his cousins over and some friends. They ran and played and made a complete mess! He about had a fit when he saw his Superman cake. It was just too cute.

I hate that I'm going back to work in a few weeks. I'm still trying to decide what to do with Jon and Staci. Destiny will be going back to kindergarden, but I need to find a preschool for Jon and daycare for Staci. I should hear from CPS soon whether or not they have found some money to help us out with that. THey're looking for it right now. If I can just get some help with Jon's preschool, it would really help. Next year will be easier when he can go to school with Destiny.

I can't even begin to describe just how much I have enjoyed becoming a Mom. It still seems wierd to have someone call me Mommy, but I'm starting to figure it out. I'm not sure if I've truely given up on someday getting pregnant, but we'll see in time.

I'll try to be better at posting here. There are a bunch of people that I just don't have the ability to keep in close contact with. I'll do better! I promise.

2006-05-22T16:07:00.000-06:00

Wow! It's been quite a while since I've posted! Well, we've been very busy these past two weeks! The kiddos got home and have been doing wonderfully. I couldn't have asked for a better transition. They've slept through the night, are eating well, and are more and more calling us Mommy and Daddy. Jon is now potty trained (hip hip hooray!), Destiny is figuring out what we are all about, and Staci is giggling more and more each day. We've had birthday parties, a welcome home party, have gone horseback riding (yesterday!) and are having the time of our lives. I cry every day (usually because I'm happy, sometimes because I'm so darn tired!) and I'm loving our new lives. Bobby has just become the most wonderful Dad. He didn't even skip a beat in transitioning. (green eyed over here) He loves our kids with everything that he is and they know it. There was never any doubt in my mind that he would be a good dad, but WOW! He even spent an entire week watching over them while I was at work and did great! Of course Staci's hair was hardened and sticking straight up with all that food stuck in her hair, but hey! She'd been fed! I'm just counting down the weeks until we can sign our adoption paper work with LSSS. Two down....okay so five and a half months left, but no biggie!
So, I'm so tired my hair hurts, I cry a lot, I'm really having to learn how to be a mommy to three really quickly (lots of stress there).....and I'm loving every minute of it. Being a mom is hard and I can't help but think God's upstairs right now giggling his tush off...after all, I did pray for children! Okay...now I know. I know what was meant to be and what wasn't. I know why we waited so long. I know.

Oh My Cheese!!!!

2006-05-02T16:12:00.000-06:00

We just found out that our babies are coming home next Wednesday! We are so thrilled and excited. I'm not sure what time they'll be flying in, but their case worker will get all the flight information to me soon I'm sure. I can't believe that we'll be a family soon. I'm in total shock!

Lots to do!
Kisses to all!!!

Having a bad week...but doing okay.

2006-04-26T19:24:00.000-06:00

It's been a tough week so far. We're still not sure when our babies are coming home and the wait is getting really tough. But how horrible is this...I'm almost glad. I'm so scared that I'm not going to be a good mom. Well, I know everyone must go through this. What if I'm not ready? What if? What if? But...I didn't know I could teach 8th grade either and I face my little monsters (whom I love dearly) every day! I want what's best for these kids, no matter what. I just hope I can give it to them.
I had a doctors appointment this week as well which for some reason really shook me up. I guess part of it was just being in that office again. The last time I was there, I was in the middle of fertility treatments/miscarriage/surgery. Maybe I wasn't ready to be back there again. I'm so happy about getting my children, but I guess I'm still mourning what might have been. My doc also told me that I'm a good candidate for Lupron injections. These lovely guys put your body into a menopausal state which hinders endometriosis growth and pain. Hmmmmm....do I really want to go through menopause type stuff at 26? Can't you just see this! Patty, wouldn't you love for me to have my own little "personal summers!" Ha! I think I'll just stick with what I'm doing for now. I like living in my hot flash free zone right now thank you!
So I'll keep on pluggin and I'll be okay. My kids'll get home soon, I'll do the best I can as their mom, and I'll continue to grieve for a while. I bet that someday it won't hurt so bad anymore.
Wow, this was a depressing post. Sorry guys! I'll try to be more upbeat next time!
:)

Success!

2006-04-13T18:36:00.000-06:00

So on a hunch I called the kids' case worker today and guess what!! They're coming home soon!!! She told me that she went to court on Tuesday and we were accepted as their prospective parents! All that we're waiting for is a travel/placement date to be agreed on. I can't believe it! My heart is just so full right now. We should know next week when we get them. I would love for them to be home by the 28th so that they can go with me to Paul and Tre's court date for their finalization. I think it would be great for them to see how wonderful adoption is and how many people celebrate it with you.

Man! If I could only stop crying!

Waiting Waiting Waiting!

2006-04-09T18:53:00.000-06:00

Okay, so still no news on when Bob's going to get his background check back. It's been out for six weeks now and we're getting pretty anxious. Our SW did tell us last week that there has been some movement, so I'm hoping to hear something soon. I would love to be able to tell the kids on Easter that we're going to be their Mommy and Daddy. How great would that be! So for now, I'm doing my best to stay busy. I've just about finished their rooms and I decided to start doing yoga. Let me tell you, it doesn't feel like you're doing much, but man do my abs hurt! I'm trying to get back into shape because I'd love to start ballet again when we get Destiny into it this summer.
I've also changed our eating habits completely (ie actually cooking everyday and making menus.) I figure it's best to change my habits now and not be bombarded with it when the kids get here. I really do feel better when I eat well. What a concept!
So here's to hoping that we hear something soon! I want my babies home!!!!!!!

Craving Satisfied!

2006-03-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

I got to go the kids this weekend! We spent TWO great days together! I'm sorry that Bobby couldn't go, but at least one of us got to be there. John is now holding my hand, Stacey giggles when I smile at her, and Destiny is just a joy to be around, out going and rambunctious! I'm hoping to get more news on when they might be home this week. We're really praying that criminal background check through. My realtor told me she had a bit of a problem with it as well, but it only took a few days to figure out. I brought home some of their toys and things with my in faith that they won't miss them for long.
My mom told me today that she's planning to have a "Cowboy Camp" with the kids at her house. They're going to set up a tent and spend the night outside, roast marshmellows and hot dogs, and be cowboys and cowgirls. She's already decided which horse will be there's! She has an old mare who she uses for kids that they will start on and she'll be training Starbuck, the kids' horse, while they get used to riding. Of course it won't happen for a while. They'll have to get used to the horses and learn safety stuff first. But oh how fun! Here's to getting a placement date soon!!!!!!

The excitement grows!

2006-03-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

I've been holding my breath all week! Our social worker told us yesterday that we're almost there! All we need to wait for is Bobby's criminal background check to come in and we'll get a placement date. Hopefully it'll come in this week. Until then, I've been talking to the kids foster parents almost daily to get my fix on how they're doing! I've also been working on their rooms. I've actually almost finished and will post pics later. Our house has gone from being empty and boring to festive!! I love it!

2006-03-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Here we are! This was taken after our first meeting.

The Six of Hearts

Year in Review

10 more days!

Why're the spoons gone?

If I knew then what I know now...

Away for a while...

One Year

17 Weeks

This is normal...right?

Jon + IHOP + LOVE!

Let's go to bed early...*wink*

Back in Business!

I'm Going Home!

Finding Hope in the Midst of the Storm

Home

I'll have "My body sucks" for a thousand, Alex...

7 weeks and counting!

Second Post of the Day.....Battle Scars

Uber baby cuteness....

What a month!

Well, Crap.

Well, Crap.

63 Days and Counting!

Holy Cow, I need to post more often,,,,

Forever....

24 weeks!

2007!

My B'shert

Little Rays of Sunshine

Looking into the horizon and finding Hope

That's it. I just can't be normal.

So much to say, so few words to say it with

And I was worried!!!!

My Journey through IF

Quick Update!

YES!!!!!

?

The dog is here.

Okay, so now here comes mommy hood!

Just some Tib Bits

Common Thread Project

Life as a Mom

Unwritten

Another New Start

Conversations during (yet another) thunderstorm

Joys in my life.....

Back in the Saddle Again!

Monday's Checklist

Rebirth

The Stress Has Hit the Fan

Austin, Here we come!!!!!!!

The legend of the white sink

Post #2 for today...

A look into the coming year....feeling nostalgic.

Updates!!!!!

Oh My Cheese!!!!

Having a bad week...but doing okay.

Success!

Waiting Waiting Waiting!

Craving Satisfied!

The excitement grows!

Let's go to bed early...wink