Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Looking into the horizon and finding Hope

For a very long time, I felt that infertility was the one thing in my life that made it hard. Infertility is what I struggled with. I fought it, yelled at it, tried to beat it, and hated it. It was the big white elephant sitting in the room for the first couple of years of our marriage. It was the raging stampede that could have destroyed us if we had let it. It almost destroyed me.

At a counseling session last year, one of our pastors told me that when I find the darkness of depression coming upon me, "yell at it. Scream at it. Get angry with it. Don't let it take hold of you." When I lost our first pregnancy, that's exactly what I did. Ironically, that moment was a turning point for me and for us. I became stronger than the hurt and the depression. I finally took control. It was a few months later that I decided to do what my heart was telling me to.

You see, I'm a firm believer in following your heart before anything else. You know deep inside you what is right for you. No doctor can tell you that. No person, no thing can. Science can find a reason for things, can tell us what medically is necessary. But it can't tell you what to do, or what you can't do. Always follow your heart. This is how we leave life with no regrets. This is how we know that no matter what happens, we made the right decision.

I followed my heart when I stopped trying to concieve. I followed my heart when I saw a picture of three beautiful kids who just wanted a mommy and daddy. And I followed my heart when I felt a small tug inside me to give conception one more try.

I'm tired. I'm always sick. I've already been back in the hospital.

But then I look into Destiny's eyes when she hugs me after school. Or I watch Jon play "Handy Manny" and "build" my house. I see Staci chasing after the cat, just wanting to love on him. And I feel the baby kick ever so lightly. And I remember why I struggled. I remember why I hurt so bad for so long.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I'm coming to terms with that.

We are getting ready to finalize the adoption of our first three miracles.

Our fourth miracle is 17 weeks along, making my life miserable already, and strong as an ox.

And my heart is full and happy. I'm so glad I followed it.

Friday, November 17, 2006

That's it. I just can't be normal.

Sorry it's been so long. I've been trying to wait until I feel good before I post. I'm just not the type of person who wants to write about how terrible life is and how bad I feel. But it seems as though things may not change for a while.

I am a terrible infertile.

I struggled and struggled for this pregnancy and now I realize that I don't like it. And it doesn't like me back.

I have something called hyperemesis. Only about 2% of pregnant women get this. It's a severe form of morning sickness. I basically stopped eating and drinking and was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago. I stayed there for 8 days and have been told by my doctor that he will admit me again if I stop eating again. I'm on five different medications to help me eat and keep food down. I have fainting spells,, low blood pressure, dizziness, and have zero energy. AND I'm feeling better than I have in two months. I am now eating and have gained about 4 pounds in the past three weeks. I had lost over 10% of my pre pregnancy body weight. For most women, this goes away in the second trimester. I'm now at 15 weeks and my doctor told me Wednesday that chances are, it's here until I deliver. I'm on medical leave from work for who knows how long and am told that under no conditions am I to drive. So I'm basically good for nothing except laying in bed all day. I suck.

Poor Bobby is having to do a lot of the work. He's just gotten a promotion at work and is at a really critical time, he has to drop the kids off at school and daycare and pick them up, feed them, clean house (okay, he hired a maid for that!) and every thing else in between. I'd love to keep Staci with me during the day, but I just can't do it yet. We may have to change Jon's school because picking him up is becomming and issue. I wish with all my heart I could help him.

The baby is okay. I got to see Squirt about two weeks ago and it was kicking and moving around. It'll probably have low birth weight due to my sickness, but other than that it doesn't seem to have been affected. I'm not really showing too much yet, what with being so sick, but hopefully we'll grow soon. The day after I was able to eat solid foods again, I felt major growing pains. My hips are also starting to spread. Weird.

Sorry to be a downer. I'm very depressed right now and am getting angry at the whole situation. I just want to hold our baby and feel better. It seems like so little to ask.