Sunday, June 24, 2007

I'm Going Home!

I have been devastated to say the least at the prospect of selling our house. Yes it smallish...but I can't help it. I'm in love. We've spent so much time and effort personalizing it. The remodeled kitchen, the paint, the remodeled bath. As you could probably tell from my posts lately, I've been trying to come to terms with a loss. You see, we aren't doing anything by choice. I havn't had a paycheck in months and won't get another one until October (thank you to my school district for taking my job from me because I was sick.) We can't, on our own, keep our house.

I got a call from my mom yesterday morning.
She has found a way to help us pay the mortgage for the next three months.
All we'd need to get back on our feet.
So today, in the evening, we start moving back into our house.
I'd love to start right after church, but it's just too darn hot here.

I'm going home!!!!!!

We won't have internet for a while (to save money) so I'm not sure how often I'll post.

I'll get here as often as I can.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Finding Hope in the Midst of the Storm

First of all, thank you Commentathon! I've loved hearing from everyone and have had a great time reading so many new blogs! You all are great! Here's to many more success stories!

I've been thinking a lot about something. It started a couple of weeks ago in church. I was up, singing with the praise team, when something caught my eye. My daughter (God it still seems weird to say that...) was singing. Okay, not so weird you say...especially when you have a little girl who adores singing! But she was not just singing. she was praising. I have never seen her do this. She had her eyes closed, her hands lifted and was singing her little heart out. I absolutly lost it.

So here's the thing. I don't believe God does things to people. I don't believe he takes our fertility away just to see what will happen. I don't think he takes our babies and pregnancies away from us....I think biology has a lot to do with that. But here's what I do think:

He can make it better.

Not many people know my kid's story, and I'm not going to share it here for all the world to see. That's too private. But I can say that watching my daughter do what she did is incredible. she has opened her heart so much over the past year. she can trust, she can love, she is safe. OMG she is safe.

You see, me and my kids were kind of in the same situation. Broken. We all hurt. We all felt alone. And somehow....we found each other. And we healed together. I no longer look at my battle with infertility in the same way. No, my treatments didn't work. but look at where I am now. I wouldn't be here if they had. I have four kids. FOUR KIDS! Three of whom needed me just as badly as I needed them.

There is a daily struggle to understand why the world works as it does. Why do we have to struggle? Why is there pain and heartache? I don't know. What I do know is that no matter what, we can heal. It will get better. No matter what is goiing on. Death. Infertility. Hard times. There is an end somewhere. It ended for me. It ended for my kids. And now, we stand firmly together and say I WILL NOT BE BROKEN AGAIN. I CAN BEAT THIS. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. The future is ours. We can all make it what we want it to be. And I think taht is where we find Hope.

Monday, June 18, 2007


So I went and cleaned our house today and as of tomorrow morning, it is listed For Sale. It really helped me to work in there, I was able to find some closure with a lot of things and go through a list of memories...that now make me smile, laugh, cry, and feel and incredible sense of accomplishment.

Moving into the house knowing that we would be starting a family soon.

I remembered the day that I frantically began tearing wall paper down in the bathroom as I was getting ready for the upcoming laparoscopy/hysteroscopy.

The day I replaced the floor in the kitchen. The therapy I used to help heal from the miscarriage.

The day, on the couch, that we decided to adopt and I felt such relief and joy.

The day we brought the kids home and they explored the house...finding their bedrooms, the kitchen...the love.

Painting the kids rooms as we waited to hear the placement date.

Waking up on Saturday mornings to the sound of laughter and bubbling over with joy.

Sitting on the toilet at 1:30 am waiting on a pregnancy test.

Screaming at 1:30 am in the bathroom as the word "Pregnant" shows up.

Making the toilet my best friend as I go through the worlds worst morning sickness.

4 months of bedrest. That couch was my best friend.

Leaving the house at 5:30 am knowing that we would be bringing our newborn son home soon.

And finally, driving up to the house today and hearing Staci say, "Home sweet home!"

I will miss that house and all the memories held there dearly. Luckily, I also hold them in my heart.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

I'll have "My body sucks" for a thousand, Alex...

Warning: Angry post ahead.

yeah. You know how they say to be really careful right after giving birth because you will be very fertile? Please.

Almost 8 weeks post partum and no sign of my period. No. I'm not breastfeeding. it should have come by now. I've already been told by Dr. G that if I don't get it in a few weeks, I start going in for testing to see what's wrong. Nice.

I'm so lucky to have had Luke. I wonder what would happen if we wanted to try for one may seem weird, looking back at my horrible pregnancy, but I think I would like to do it one more time. I don't know. Maybe it's just that infertility can really mess up your mind. You live to have a baby for so long...then you live to keep the baby inside long' s like jumping off a cliff. You start asking yourself "now what?" I just wish something could be normal. The only normal part of my pregnancy journey was that I got pregnant at all. Getting there was horrible, staying there was scary...

And then I couldn't breast feed. It was something that I didn't really talk about, but it broke my heart. My stupid breasts are filled with fibrocystic disease. I couldn't get any milk out. I would pump for an hour and only get foam. That's right. Foam.

And now I can't get my body started...AGAIN. SH*&!

So now I'm going to have to go on Prometrium to force a period so that I can go on the pill...

I hate this.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

7 weeks and counting!

Luke turns 7 weeks old today. I can't believe it. He spent his first night out of the basinet and in his crib last night. He LOVED it! I was worried that he might get fussy, but nope! We also spent our first night back at my in-law's house last night. (more to come on that later...)

Luke is now chowing down five ounces per feeding! He has also started cooing and smiling! It's so cute when he smiles. He doesn't have complete control over his face yet, so his smile runs all over the place!! I'm really dreading the two month check up. How am I going to handle him getting shots? I can't stand the idea of it. He now weighs about 11 pounds. Holy guacamole!
Destiny is happy school is out (ha! I start homeschooling her for the summer next week!) She has changed so much. She's starting to turn into a little lady. I think I'll start teaching her how to cook....I think we can start making cakes together! Maybe even some simple entres.
Jon is getting tested at his school for kindergarten today. They like to see where each child stands academically before the year starts. I love the way his school works. They put the kids into reading groups, not just grades. This helps the kids get what they need even if they are a year or two ahead of their class.
Staci is still working on getting used to her new life. She's been testing bounderies a bit, but seems to be feeling better. It must be hard to go from being the baby to being big sister. I try to spend some time with her everyday, but with four kids it's very hard.

And now on to the life change of the week:
Our house will be on the market as of Monday. We are now living with my in-laws. Our house not only got too small, but the school district I work for sucks, so because I was so sick this school year, I basically lost my job and won't see any money until around October. We just can't afford our house right now. So we are selling it (hoping to make a little money to pay off our infertility/horrible pregnancy debt) and will be moving into my in-laws rental house in September when it opens up. So for now, to save money and sell the house, we have moved in with them. Yeah. It's hard. But my in-laws have been so gracious. It makes things a lot easier. The new house we're getting is twice the size of the other one and will have a playroom! I can't think of a theme to paint the playroom yet, but the boy's room will be jungle, the girls will have sunflowers, and their bathroom will be ocean themed. Too fun. I wonder if I could do a school house theme for the playroom......hmmmmm.