Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Looking into the horizon and finding Hope

For a very long time, I felt that infertility was the one thing in my life that made it hard. Infertility is what I struggled with. I fought it, yelled at it, tried to beat it, and hated it. It was the big white elephant sitting in the room for the first couple of years of our marriage. It was the raging stampede that could have destroyed us if we had let it. It almost destroyed me.

At a counseling session last year, one of our pastors told me that when I find the darkness of depression coming upon me, "yell at it. Scream at it. Get angry with it. Don't let it take hold of you." When I lost our first pregnancy, that's exactly what I did. Ironically, that moment was a turning point for me and for us. I became stronger than the hurt and the depression. I finally took control. It was a few months later that I decided to do what my heart was telling me to.

You see, I'm a firm believer in following your heart before anything else. You know deep inside you what is right for you. No doctor can tell you that. No person, no thing can. Science can find a reason for things, can tell us what medically is necessary. But it can't tell you what to do, or what you can't do. Always follow your heart. This is how we leave life with no regrets. This is how we know that no matter what happens, we made the right decision.

I followed my heart when I stopped trying to concieve. I followed my heart when I saw a picture of three beautiful kids who just wanted a mommy and daddy. And I followed my heart when I felt a small tug inside me to give conception one more try.

I'm tired. I'm always sick. I've already been back in the hospital.

But then I look into Destiny's eyes when she hugs me after school. Or I watch Jon play "Handy Manny" and "build" my house. I see Staci chasing after the cat, just wanting to love on him. And I feel the baby kick ever so lightly. And I remember why I struggled. I remember why I hurt so bad for so long.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I'm coming to terms with that.

We are getting ready to finalize the adoption of our first three miracles.

Our fourth miracle is 17 weeks along, making my life miserable already, and strong as an ox.

And my heart is full and happy. I'm so glad I followed it.


The Town Criers said...

This is such a gorgeous post. You guys have such a fantastic story. I'm glad you followed your heart and everything came together to bring you a full house.

I can't even tell you how much I choked up when I read your comment--the last part about coming to an understanding. It was really a beautiful thought.

The Town Criers said...

Thanks for the comment today. Can't agree more with you: thank you, Internet.

AFC said...

Hi! I'm just trying to do a little catching up and wanted to say...

I love this post. Like she said above, you have an awesome story! And I loved what you said about following your heart, very well written!