I was reading a post at "Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters" on B'shert and it really got me thinking. B'shert means "fate" in yiddish. It basically brings a word in for "what was meant to be." After everything we've been through in the past two years, I think that I am living a life that was "meant to be."
Christmas Eve, we went to a candle light service at church. No lights were on, the church was lit up by candles, music was playing. It was a truely beautiful place to be. I watched Destiny (also means fate....) during the first song and I saw tears flowing from her eyes. I asked what was wrong, and she just said, "my eyes are wet." After this, I went to the front to light the advent candles as Bobby gave the advent sermon. When I got back to my seat, Destiny was in massive tears. And. much to my surprise, she wanted me. She's always been Daddy's girl...why did she choose me?
As we sat there in the pew, I held her as she cried and cried into my chest. She cried through more songs. Jon, worried about his sister, chose a spot on my other side and put my arm around him. As we listened to the music, I rocked my two children. I kissed their foreheads. I held their hands. I told them how much I loved them. And at some point, I realized what was going on.
For the first time since she came home, Destiny felt the loss. She missed her former foster home. She felt the emptiness. You see, Christmas is a big deal for her foster parents. It's their holdiay. And she realized she would not be there this year. She had spent two years in their home, being loved by them. And for some reason, she chose me to help her. She's never had a special bond with another woman. She's never come to me when Bobby is right there. But that night, as we held hands and I stroked her hair, we magically connected. I cried with her. And I told her that no matter what, I would always be there for her. And as I sat there, holding my children, I felt more peace than I ever have. I am living my B'shert. This was the life that I was meant to have.
I try to imagine what my life would be like without them...and I can't. They are the best thing that ever happened to me. So many people constantly tell us how wonderful we are for "saving" these children. But I have to say, yet again, they saved me first. They brought purpose into my life, they brought life to my home, they brought Bobby and I so much closer together.
They are a part of my soul, a peice of my heart.
And then there's Luke. We can in no way forget him. He's a part of the miracle we are living. I am now 21 weeks pregnant and today I was taken off rest. I will be going back to work soon! I will be able to work, light duty, until I deliver. I am only on 1 medication for the hyperemesis now and am feeling much better. Stinky boy is doing great! I may not have gained much weight, but he's still doing well. He got some great stuff for Christmas (which is a whole other post btw.) I have started nesting to make room in our tiny house for yet another addition! I can't wait to bring the crib into our room. I can't wait to hear him cry for the first time. I can't wait to watch the kiddos with him.
B'shert. Fate. Destiny. What was meant to be.
And I'm so glad that it has brought me here.