I've been rereading Memoirs of a Geisha and I came upon something that really struck me. Here's a quote:
"...now I understood the thing that had puzzled me all morning. The stale air had
washed away. The past was gone...I could do nothing to change it. But I suppose
that for the past year I'd been dead in a way too...I'm not sure this will make sense
to you, but I felt as though I'd turned around to look in a different direction, so that
I no longer faced backward toward the past, but forward toward the future."
Wow. I've been working for months to come up with the words to describe how I felt in January the day we decided to stop trying to get pregnant and adopt. It was like being reborn, having the world taken off your shoulders. It was one of the best and worst days of my life. But it was the moment that all my hurts began to heal instead of being repeatedly ripped open. And now I look at my life and my three children and I don't even have to wonder if we made the right decision (for us.)
Not long after the kiddos came home, Bobby told me that he'd always thought that even if we never had any children, our family would be complete. "But these kids filled a hole in my heart I didn't even know was there. I understand now. I understand how you felt."
So here we go, living our new lives, turned in another direction, looking towards the sun instead of towards the dark. And what a beautiful sunrise it is.