These past few weeks have been so surreal. I can't believe I spoke with our lawyer today about the finalization. I can't believe that Teresa and I (okay, mostly Teresa) are making the girls' dresses for the finalization, party, and family portrait. I can't believe that, very soon, our children will share our last name along with our love.
I can't believe that in six months, we'll be adding another child to our family.
I can't believe I'm already showing.
I can't believe I'm 12 weeks pregnant.
After everything we went through, I had (happily) resolved that I would never have biological children. I would never get pregnant. And I was very okay with that. I love the miracle of adoption. It has given me more joy that anything else in this world. I would even get mad at people who would tell me "You're going to get pregnant now!" I would get angry and practically yell at them. I was very happy with my children. Bobby and I were even talking about our next adoption already. Well, add me to the statistics. Classic case.
I've known about our pregnancy for almost two months now and I'm just now starting to wrap my head around it. There really is someone inside me growing and alive. It has a heart beat. It's moving around. My kids touch my belly wondering about what it is that's in there. They get excited about the idea of having another baby (they love babies and have been around them all their lives.) They get excited about going with me to buy the baby clothes. They've dealt with it so well, I have to ask myself if I've dealt with it as well as they have. I've questioned many things, I've been scared out of my mind, I've almost shut down at times.
I always promised myself that I would never be one of those horrible pregnant women who do nothing but complain. I had worked too long for this and would enjoy every moment. Every symptom. Well, the good Lord has seen fit for me to experience every symptom, every single one of those "joys of pregnancy.". I've been nauseous 24 hours a day for over 6 weeks now. I can't eat, I can't drink, I'm spending the majority of my time dry heaving. I'm dizzy. I have head aches.
Is it worth it? Of course. But added to the stress of "holy crap, what's going on" and things are not as rosy as I would like them to be. Well, not in the "I'm so happy i could dance a jig" kind of way. I'm.......so happy I could........honestly..........take a nap. It's just so unforeseen, so sudden.
Well, now that I've vented and told you how life sucks and such, I'll get off my high horse.
I truely am greatful for the opportunity God has given me. I am so blessed. I rub my belly all the time. I'm thinking of names. And next week, after my 13 week doctor's appointment, I'm going to buy bottles. And once my morning sickness eases up, I will enjoy every moment.
I just need to feel a bit like a human again, then life will move on and I'll prepare for the next step.