Friday, March 21, 2008

This is normal...right?

I know I'm about to embarass myself, but here goes. I've got to vent this. It's just too hard to hide!

I'm frustrated. Yet again, my body is acting up. It seems as though last week I had a cyst burst on an ovary. Curious considering I've been on birth control for months. I was on the pill and still had tons of cysts so my reproductive endochronologist put me on the nuva ring. yeah. good try. apparently I'm still growing cysts. I also have this funny feeling I ovulated this month. So this isn't working. What the heck is next? I won't do depo...I won't do lupron. Great. Those are basically my only two options. I see my RE again in a month and I ahve to make some decisions. He's also talking about doing another laparoscopy to check on the endo because of my pain. More surgery. Just take the whole damn thing out please. Forget it all.

You know, believe it or not, I really liked being pregnant. It sucked like hell, but I loved it. I loved feeling Luke move and jiggle at 3:00 am. I loved giving birth. I love having a baby. It's been great. And now I feel like somehow I've been kept from ever doing it again. Don't take me wrong, please. I love all my kids and can't imagine a moment without them. But we're done having kids. I'm 28 and I'm done having kids. Bob doesn't want anymore and can you blame him? 4 is more than most people will ever have. ANd how blessed are we? Man, who do you know that has 4 wonderful kids? How many infertiles would give their hearts for that? Well, here I sit, for some reason, pining with baby fever. *rolls eyes* I'm an idiot. Luke is the absolute best "baby of the family." And at least I friggin got to experience pregancy, right? Yeah, what a pregancy too!

I have been told that if I ever get pregnant again, my friends and family will be skipping town. Apparently, hyperemesis and preterm labor were a lot for them to handle. Soooo, how can a person who has 4 great kids and had a horrendous pregnancy want to think about another in the future? What the hell? What's wrong with me?

I'm guessing I'm going through the same thing most middle aged women go through. They see the biological clock ticking away and think, "Maybe I just need to have one more before I can't anymore." And I'm not even 30. Dork. Ok, so lets take the time to remember that I almost lost Luke a couple of times...he could have been sick, hurt, or born way too early. God I hate this.

Doesn't help that I'm out of Lexapro and havn't been able to get to the doctor for a new script because I have no time. ANd I want another one? I can barely handle the ones I've got! *slaps hand on forehead*

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