My B'shert

I was reading a post at "Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters" on B'shert and it really got me thinking. B'shert means "fate" in yiddish. It basically brings a word in for "what was meant to be." After everything we've been through in the past two years, I think that I am living a life that was "meant to be."

Christmas Eve, we went to a candle light service at church. No lights were on, the church was lit up by candles, music was playing. It was a truely beautiful place to be. I watched Destiny (also means fate....) during the first song and I saw tears flowing from her eyes. I asked what was wrong, and she just said, "my eyes are wet." After this, I went to the front to light the advent candles as Bobby gave the advent sermon. When I got back to my seat, Destiny was in massive tears. And. much to my surprise, she wanted me. She's always been Daddy's girl...why did she choose me?

As we sat there in the pew, I held her as she cried and cried into my chest. She cried through more songs. Jon, worried about his sister, chose a spot on my other side and put my arm around him. As we listened to the music, I rocked my two children. I kissed their foreheads. I held their hands. I told them how much I loved them. And at some point, I realized what was going on.

For the first time since she came home, Destiny felt the loss. She missed her former foster home. She felt the emptiness. You see, Christmas is a big deal for her foster parents. It's their holdiay. And she realized she would not be there this year. She had spent two years in their home, being loved by them. And for some reason, she chose me to help her. She's never had a special bond with another woman. She's never come to me when Bobby is right there. But that night, as we held hands and I stroked her hair, we magically connected. I cried with her. And I told her that no matter what, I would always be there for her. And as I sat there, holding my children, I felt more peace than I ever have. I am living my B'shert. This was the life that I was meant to have.

I try to imagine what my life would be like without them...and I can't. They are the best thing that ever happened to me. So many people constantly tell us how wonderful we are for "saving" these children. But I have to say, yet again, they saved me first. They brought purpose into my life, they brought life to my home, they brought Bobby and I so much closer together.

They are a part of my soul, a peice of my heart.
And then there's Luke. We can in no way forget him. He's a part of the miracle we are living. I am now 21 weeks pregnant and today I was taken off rest. I will be going back to work soon! I will be able to work, light duty, until I deliver. I am only on 1 medication for the hyperemesis now and am feeling much better. Stinky boy is doing great! I may not have gained much weight, but he's still doing well. He got some great stuff for Christmas (which is a whole other post btw.) I have started nesting to make room in our tiny house for yet another addition! I can't wait to bring the crib into our room. I can't wait to hear him cry for the first time. I can't wait to watch the kiddos with him.

B'shert. Fate. Destiny. What was meant to be.
And I'm so glad that it has brought me here.

Little Rays of Sunshine

We discovered last week that Destiny cannot track objects with her left eye. A total "A HA!" Moment for us. She is now wearing the cutest glasses known to man during school and is already improving in her school work and reading. Yahoo!!!!
Jon is doing great! He's now cutting with regular scissors during school, is learning how to write his name, and can actually draw! Instead of just straight up and down lines, he's drawing trees and Mickey Mouse!
Staci is growing and growing! She's still working on potty training, but is totally in love with her daddy!



AND......



We found out today that the little bundle of joy that has caused us so much worry and illness is a stinkin BOY!!! Of course!!


His name is Samuel Lucas and will be called Luke. We got to watch him move and shake, suck his thumb, and clasp his hands together. Holy cow.

After so many years. After the infertility, the miscarriage, the surgery, and now the hyperemesis, I had convinced myself that something was going to be wrong. He was going to be too small for his age or be missing something. But he's perfect. Measuring right on with our due date. He weighs a staggering 9 ounces!!! I don't think I've ever been happier than I am right now. Our Christmas tree is full of little things the kids have made. Presents are stacked in the garage waiting to be wrapped and put under the tree for excited children on Christmas Eve. I'm geting ready to pick up my two oldest kids from school. Another is napping not ten feet away from me. I can't believe how my life has turned out.

Looking into the horizon and finding Hope

For a very long time, I felt that infertility was the one thing in my life that made it hard. Infertility is what I struggled with. I fought it, yelled at it, tried to beat it, and hated it. It was the big white elephant sitting in the room for the first couple of years of our marriage. It was the raging stampede that could have destroyed us if we had let it. It almost destroyed me.

At a counseling session last year, one of our pastors told me that when I find the darkness of depression coming upon me, "yell at it. Scream at it. Get angry with it. Don't let it take hold of you." When I lost our first pregnancy, that's exactly what I did. Ironically, that moment was a turning point for me and for us. I became stronger than the hurt and the depression. I finally took control. It was a few months later that I decided to do what my heart was telling me to.

You see, I'm a firm believer in following your heart before anything else. You know deep inside you what is right for you. No doctor can tell you that. No person, no thing can. Science can find a reason for things, can tell us what medically is necessary. But it can't tell you what to do, or what you can't do. Always follow your heart. This is how we leave life with no regrets. This is how we know that no matter what happens, we made the right decision.

I followed my heart when I stopped trying to concieve. I followed my heart when I saw a picture of three beautiful kids who just wanted a mommy and daddy. And I followed my heart when I felt a small tug inside me to give conception one more try.

I'm tired. I'm always sick. I've already been back in the hospital.

But then I look into Destiny's eyes when she hugs me after school. Or I watch Jon play "Handy Manny" and "build" my house. I see Staci chasing after the cat, just wanting to love on him. And I feel the baby kick ever so lightly. And I remember why I struggled. I remember why I hurt so bad for so long.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I'm coming to terms with that.

We are getting ready to finalize the adoption of our first three miracles.

Our fourth miracle is 17 weeks along, making my life miserable already, and strong as an ox.

And my heart is full and happy. I'm so glad I followed it.

That's it. I just can't be normal.

Sorry it's been so long. I've been trying to wait until I feel good before I post. I'm just not the type of person who wants to write about how terrible life is and how bad I feel. But it seems as though things may not change for a while.


I am a terrible infertile.


I struggled and struggled for this pregnancy and now I realize that I don't like it. And it doesn't like me back.

I have something called hyperemesis. Only about 2% of pregnant women get this. It's a severe form of morning sickness. I basically stopped eating and drinking and was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago. I stayed there for 8 days and have been told by my doctor that he will admit me again if I stop eating again. I'm on five different medications to help me eat and keep food down. I have fainting spells,, low blood pressure, dizziness, and have zero energy. AND I'm feeling better than I have in two months. I am now eating and have gained about 4 pounds in the past three weeks. I had lost over 10% of my pre pregnancy body weight. For most women, this goes away in the second trimester. I'm now at 15 weeks and my doctor told me Wednesday that chances are, it's here until I deliver. I'm on medical leave from work for who knows how long and am told that under no conditions am I to drive. So I'm basically good for nothing except laying in bed all day. I suck.

Poor Bobby is having to do a lot of the work. He's just gotten a promotion at work and is at a really critical time, he has to drop the kids off at school and daycare and pick them up, feed them, clean house (okay, he hired a maid for that!) and every thing else in between. I'd love to keep Staci with me during the day, but I just can't do it yet. We may have to change Jon's school because picking him up is becomming and issue. I wish with all my heart I could help him.


The baby is okay. I got to see Squirt about two weeks ago and it was kicking and moving around. It'll probably have low birth weight due to my sickness, but other than that it doesn't seem to have been affected. I'm not really showing too much yet, what with being so sick, but hopefully we'll grow soon. The day after I was able to eat solid foods again, I felt major growing pains. My hips are also starting to spread. Weird.


Sorry to be a downer. I'm very depressed right now and am getting angry at the whole situation. I just want to hold our baby and feel better. It seems like so little to ask.

So much to say, so few words to say it with

These past few weeks have been so surreal. I can't believe I spoke with our lawyer today about the finalization. I can't believe that Teresa and I (okay, mostly Teresa) are making the girls' dresses for the finalization, party, and family portrait. I can't believe that, very soon, our children will share our last name along with our love.

I can't believe that in six months, we'll be adding another child to our family.

I can't believe I'm already showing.

I can't believe I'm 12 weeks pregnant.


After everything we went through, I had (happily) resolved that I would never have biological children. I would never get pregnant. And I was very okay with that. I love the miracle of adoption. It has given me more joy that anything else in this world. I would even get mad at people who would tell me "You're going to get pregnant now!" I would get angry and practically yell at them. I was very happy with my children. Bobby and I were even talking about our next adoption already. Well, add me to the statistics. Classic case.

I've known about our pregnancy for almost two months now and I'm just now starting to wrap my head around it. There really is someone inside me growing and alive. It has a heart beat. It's moving around. My kids touch my belly wondering about what it is that's in there. They get excited about the idea of having another baby (they love babies and have been around them all their lives.) They get excited about going with me to buy the baby clothes. They've dealt with it so well, I have to ask myself if I've dealt with it as well as they have. I've questioned many things, I've been scared out of my mind, I've almost shut down at times.

I always promised myself that I would never be one of those horrible pregnant women who do nothing but complain. I had worked too long for this and would enjoy every moment. Every symptom. Well, the good Lord has seen fit for me to experience every symptom, every single one of those "joys of pregnancy.". I've been nauseous 24 hours a day for over 6 weeks now. I can't eat, I can't drink, I'm spending the majority of my time dry heaving. I'm dizzy. I have head aches.

Is it worth it? Of course. But added to the stress of "holy crap, what's going on" and things are not as rosy as I would like them to be. Well, not in the "I'm so happy i could dance a jig" kind of way. I'm.......so happy I could........honestly..........take a nap. It's just so unforeseen, so sudden.

Well, now that I've vented and told you how life sucks and such, I'll get off my high horse.

I truely am greatful for the opportunity God has given me. I am so blessed. I rub my belly all the time. I'm thinking of names. And next week, after my 13 week doctor's appointment, I'm going to buy bottles. And once my morning sickness eases up, I will enjoy every moment.


I just need to feel a bit like a human again, then life will move on and I'll prepare for the next step.

And I was worried!!!!

Are you ready for this??? You sure????? Make sure now!!!






I just got a call from our social worker. CPS is ready to finalize the adoption. They want it done next month. They're not making us travel to San Antonio. They're letting us do it over the phone. OMG!!!!!!!!!!


FYI: Things never happen this way. We havn't even signed the adoptive placement paper work yet (we will soon.) Usually, once that paper work is signed, THEN you start working on the adoption and it can take several months before finalization.


HOLY QUICK FINALIZATION BATMAN!!!!!!

I love CPS. I love our social worker.






I love our children so much.

My Journey through IF

It was four years ago this month that we decided to go off the Pill. We had been married for three years and our lives were moving in an upward direction and we realized that we were just about ready for kids. We weren't exactly trying, but we weren't going to stop anything either. I was so excited about the idea. So off the Pill I went.
I then proceeded to not have a period for 8 months. We forced a period. Waited another 5 months. Forced a period. This time we waited 3 months before we went to the meds. Finally, a year and a half after we got off the pill, I began to have somewhat normal periods. By this time, I knew something was wrong. I tried to talk to Bobby about it. "Honey, I don't know if I can have kids." He wouldn't even think of hearing it. "Just don't worry." He would tell me. I also tried to prepare our families. Everyone thought it was all in my head.
We decided to up our trying status. We actively tried. I even thought it may have worked a couple of times, but nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Two years ago, Bobby called one day to let me know that one of our good friends was going to have a baby. I finally broke down and said, "When will it be my turn. Isn't it my turn?" "You're right," he said, "call your doctor." And I started Clomid. Here's the breakdown: When on clomid, Dr. G would check my hormone levels to check if I ovulated (I think he checked progesterone, I've blocked it out.) This hormone must be at least at 10 - 15 in order to ovulate....month three of 150 mg of Clomid, I was at 0.08. I kid you not.
Month 5 I finally ovulated. But nothing. Month 6. Nothing. Dr. G then referred us to our IF (infertility) specialist, Dr. N. He's one of the best. It was a 2 month wait before we could get in, so we took a wonderful repreive from baby making. And as luck would have it, we concieved. The day I found out was one of the best in my life. I walked on air. Then just a few days later, I miscarried. I wasn't sure Iwould make it through. I never realized how much losing a pregnancy could hurt. I didn't want to breath anymore, let alone move on. But somehow I did. Somehow we picked up the pieces and just a week after the miscarriage, we went to Dr. N's office. He immediatly recommended surgery.
December 7 of last year, I had a laperoscopy and hysteroscopy to diagnose my infertility issues. My tubes were clear, but Dr. N removed stage 3 endometriosis and diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome.) We were set to begin treatments that included injectables and IUI within weeks. Now, let me tell you, I had to really pump myself up for this. I've never been the type to go for the invasive treatments. I'm very pro adoption and we decided years ago that we would adopt no matter what. So I go in, just three weeks after my surgery, pumped and ready to go. And then I get told that I have to go back on the birth control pill. In just those few days, I had grown a large cyst on one of my ovaries and could not begin treatments. Because of it's size we discussed surgery if the cyst did not go down within two months. I went home and cried. I was devasted, tired, and was melting away. I sat down and told Bobby,"It's time for you to play the man card. Make the decision here. I just can't do it anymore." To which he said, "You're done. I can't watch you go through this anymore. I want my wife back." So I took out my adoption applications, took a deep sigh of relief, and began the process to adopt a baby from Korea.
Just weeks after sending our application in, I got pulled in another direction. You see, a good friend of mine knew of three kids who would be up for adoption within the week. Her parents had fostered the kids for two years. So she showed me their picture and told me about them. I spoke with their foster mom. And then I let it go. A week later, Friday afternoon, I got a text message "They're free. They're up for adoption."
So we took Saturday and went over to my friends home to discuss the matter. We found out about them, looked at more pictures. By Sunday morning, we knew what we had to do. And the rest, as they say, is history. Not 10 weeks after my surgery, I met our children. I'll never forget that day. It was February 18, a day that will forever be marked in my head. On May 6, they came home and I finally became a Mom. That was my one great desire. And they fulfilled it like no other could. And I began to heal.
Then came August.
So we decided to stay on the pill just to keep me as healthy as possible. Well, I woke up one morning in August and realized I had forgotten to get my prescription. I should have started taking it three days ago. Well, no biggie, I figured I'd force a period after my anual in November and get back on it. He he he. That same day, I felt something happen. Both my ovaries, at exactly the same time, tightened. Hard. They stayed this way fro about 10 seconds and then just relaxed. 14 days after my period began, I ovulated. I kid you not. Now, I havn't done this very often, so I knew exactly what happened. We were sitting watching TV and I almost yelled, "I just ovulated!" Bobby took one look at me and said, "Hey, why not. Let's go for it."
It worked.
I'm now 9 weeks 5 days along. We saw the heartbeat on Thursday. OMG.
I havn't said anything simply because we hadn't told the kids yet. I didn't want them to feel the hurt if something went wrong. Well, we told them tonight. They are just thrilled. I've made it clear that this baby belongs to them too. That they are now and will always be a part of our family. Destiny has already made plans to go shopping for baby clothes with me. She hugged and kissed me and said, "Mommy, I'm so glad you're gonna have a baby!"
We also told our social worker. I was so afraid that this would hinder our adoption, but she couldn't be happier.
Well, this is a long post and I bet you're tired. There is much more to say, but I'll post more later. Any prayers and thoughts would be appreciated. We're still in the danger zone and I'm very scared.

Much love.

Quick Update!

Okay, so it's been a LONG time since I've updated!!

So, in our world this month...
We still havn't signed to adoptive placment paperwork and I'm getting upset about it! All we're waiting on is the kids' case files which we asked for over two months ago. AAAAAH! The kiddos are doing great. Staci did NOT qualify for ECI (early childhood intervention) woo hoo! Our CPS worker visited Destiny at school and miss D. had a blast. Her worker said it was like seeing Destiny in her "element!" I'm so glad. D. usually has a fear of CPS visits. maybe this one'll help bring her out of her shell a little bit. Jon is doing good. Right now we're focusing on fine motor skills. So we practice coloring inside lines a lot, making sure we eat all our food with a fork or spoon, and we wrestle a lot with him. I've noticed some improvement in his strength.
As for me...we've already finished the first six weeks of school. I can't believe it. My students are doing pretty well. It's always good to watch them grow and learn throughout the year. I can't wait to see what they're like at the end of the year. Especially my reading workshop. THey have sooo much potential!!!
Bob has inventory this week. He's working 12 hour days for the next few days. YUCK! The kids really miss him when he's gone so much! He's also going to a music festival in New Braunfels this weekend, so he'll be gone for three days! I think I may need my Mommy!!!


I'll try to post something more interesting next time! Until then!

YES!!!!!

We had a visit with our s/w yesterday and guess what!!! We'll be able to sign the adoptive placement paperwork within a few weeks!!!!!! I'm so excited! Finally, the process for adoption is officially rolling. We should be able to finalize by December, latest. I can't believe it. Time has gone by so fast. Our s/w and the kiddos' CPS worker in San Antonio are just the best. They have been great every step of the way and I cannot thank them enough. It feels good that someone is out there lobbying and fighting for us and our kids. They even waived the six month waiting period (or we wouldv'e had to wait until November to sign these papers.)
In some ways, it feels as though our family has been together forever. But in others, it feels like it was just a little bit ago that Bobby and I were so devastated and having a hard time starting our family. God has been so giving to us. I don't know if I'll ever get over the pain I went through, but I know that we have been given some incredible incredible gifts. My tears have become those of joy. My aches and pains have become those of having carried a two year old around all day while also working with my other children. My fears now revolve around taking care of them, instead of wondering what the future will hold. My life has more focus, more joy, more laughter than I ever thought possible.

Is our family complete?
I don't think so.
Will we adopt again?
We don't know. But one thing is for sure. We are definitly fulfilled.

?

Strange things are a foot.....tell you more later....


The kids are doing great! Staci may be getting ready to poop in the potty. She tells us "potty" now when she's gone in her pull up. Cross your fingers!

Jon is a mixture of Superman, Spiderman, the Flash, and Bob the Builder right now. Oh and Darkwing Duck! It's kind of hard to keep up with who he's supposed to be at any given moment!

Destiny is officially reading!!!!!
It's like reading that first sentence opened a door in her mind! She's getting it now. We read four "ready to read" books from Barnes and Noble last night. By the last book, she had learned about 3 more sight words and was reading almost complete sentences with a little help using phonics from me! I'm definitly doing a happy dance here! She even got excited when we read the word "cup". Mommy! That sounds like up!!!! Look (covers the "c") it's up! I almost peed my pants.
She's learning to come to me when she needs something. Especially when it's an emotional need. That was hard for her. She got in trouble for lying the other day and after our talk, I looked into her eyes and said "I love you" four times. I think this may have helped.

The dog is here.

The dog is here.


The four most beautiful words in the world.
Why?

Destiny read her very first sentence today and this was it.
The dog is here.
I'm still crying.

She went an entire year not learning one sight word and not knowing how sound out words. But now, things are different. She has a daddy and a mommy. She is getting more and more comfortable. She is stable. She is learning!

She is ablsolutely wonderful.
This was quite a large sentence for her first one, but she did it.
She can do anything. She's my super hero.
She told me right after she read it, "Mommy! I'm becoming a princess!"
No baby, you already are a princess. 100% princess.

And I am so very proud of you.

Beautiful girl with all the curls
Darling of our lives
Taken from the breath of God
And left to my design

I don't know why you chose me
But I know where we've been
And I promise you
with all my heart

I've loved you...

since before I knew about you
since before you came home
since before you could even dare to dream and hope

And I'll love you
for all time.

Okay, so now here comes mommy hood!

Sooooooo
We're watching some kind of football thing on Saturday with my in-laws. The kiddos are playing around having a good time. Jon is having a hard time putting a strap on his baseball helmet, gets frustrated and says "DAMMIT!"
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I think this in my mind, I don't think that came out of my mouth)
Now, knowing that he's four and this is a first for him, I (try to) stay calm and say, "Jon, that's an ugly word. You don't need to say that. Now go to time out." Since my in-laws are there, this becomes a huge production. Crocodile tears people. Crocodile tears.

Fast forward to Monday. I pick Jon and rush back to work in order to hold detention. He's having fun coloring and talking to me while I'm Breakfast Clubbing it with a bunch of teenagers. Jon pops up, in as loud a voice he can muster, "Mommy, I can't say Dammit!" Again with the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
Now, I realize he wasn't saying it to say it, he was telling me he understood, so I don't get angry.

Me: No Jon, you can't say that word. It's ugly.
Jon: Only Daddy can say Dammit!!!!
Me: (he he he he he to self)
Jon: I can't say Dammit!

Remember, I'm holding detention and half the students are beginning to crack....
Me: Okay honey, don't say it anymore.
Jon: I can't say dammit.
Me: Honey, stop it (giggle)
Jon: Nope can't say..
Me: JON!

By now, all 20 students are eyeing me for my reaction and I"m almost rolling on the floor laughing at this point. It was too funny!
Now, before you think I'm a terrible parent, you have to know Jon. Repetition works for him. He thrives on it. This is how he learns. All he was doing was checking to make sure he had learned correctly. He wasn't doing it to push buttons or anything.

Anddddddd!
Staci is finally becoming a Daddy's girl.
She was sent to time out earlier today and began to drama. All of a sudden I hear, "I wan't Daddy!" Bobby was very thrilled to hear about this.

Fine. He knows the next baby we get will be a boy....just wait honey. Just wait. he he he he

Just some Tib Bits

Jon:

We're talking after school one day when Jon says, "Mommy, I don't have to go to school tomorrow!"

Me: Yes honey.
Jon: Nuh uh
Me: really?
Jon: my teacher said I don't have to go back tomorrow
Me: I don't think so
Jon: yes she did, I don't have to go to school tomorrow
Me: yes you do
Jon: Nope!

Stinker.

Destiny:

Is doing great!!! She's learning sight words!!! I'm so excited. I bet she can read a really short book soon!!! She had a slight fever today, but went right down with Motrin.

Staci:

Has had a terrible bladder infection! My poor baby. She's getting better though and only has several more days of antibiotic. She's now in her terrible, I mean her wonderful, energetic, light hearted, two's. She has more mood swings than a woman with PMS. I wonder if chocolate will help her....hmmmmm

Me:

Tired. Tired. Tired.


And loving every minute of it.
I love lack of sleep.
I love crying babies
I love dirty kitchens
I love making little lunches
I love that it takes me an hour to pick everyone up after school/work
I love little hugs and kisses at 5:45 am
I love getting up at night and watching them sleep
And I love all many many little things that happen during the day.

And Bobby:

Who else would have sat with me in the ER while Staci cried and cried for hours on end?

Who else would (try to ) clean the kitchen every night for me?

Who else would hold my hand as I go to sleep every night?

Who else can hold Destiny and make her feel that she's his whole world?

Who else can smile at his son and make the whole room light up?

Who else would have actually listened when I mentioned that three children were up for adoption?!

Having children has really changed us and our marriage, but one thing's for sure. It can make things so much better!

Common Thread Project

This is really cool. I think this is a great idea! How great would it be to see someone wearing one of these and knowing that you are not alone in the world. I'm getting mine today.

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/08/common-thread-project.html

I made a promise to myself that even when I've started my family (via adoption or giving birth)that I would be there for anyone who was dealing with infertility. It is such a hard journey to be on. I hope this idea gets around, it might give me an opportunity to not only help, but to raise awareness. We, as a community, need to be there for each other, our friends and commrades.

Even if you've never had issues with fertility, if you see someone wearing a pomegranate colored string, say a prayer for them and their families.

Love to all.

Life as a Mom

Okay, so this Mom thing...what a job. I'm so glad I had the summer to get used to SOME of the everyday stuff before I had to go back to work. Now that work and school have started...WOW! I'm up at 5:30 and don't stop until the kiddos go to bed at 8:00. Shower, get dressed, wake kids up, feed kids, make lunches, make food for myself, leave house. Drop off Staci, drop off Destiny, go to work. Get to work just as the first bell rings for school to start. Teach, teach, teach. Pick up Jon from school, pick up Destiny and Staci. Go home. Tutor Destiny on her reading (sight words are key this week!) Cook. Eat. Bath time. Bed time.

Non stop people. Non stop.

Did I mention that Staci has learned the art of the dirty look? Oh boy. My poor baby has had time out at least once a day for the past week!

Well, get back to ya'll later, the shower beckons me. (My students might appreciate it in the morning!!)

Unwritten

Bobby and I have been coming up with possible songs for us to use for the kiddos adoption videos. I think we found the perfect one for Destiny. It's called "Unwritten." I'm sure you've heard it. It seems perfect for her. After a yucky start to life, she now has a chance to do whatever it is in the world she wants, and she'll always have her parents right behind her cheering her on.
So here's a bit of the lyrics from the song.

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten"

Your life is unwritten baby. Let's make it a good one.

Another New Start

This is my last official weekday as a SAHM. I go back to work Monday. *cry* Later today I'll take enrollment papers to Staci's daycare and she'll start Monday too. So we're off to another new beginning. Jon will be starting school for the first time, Staci will be starting daycare for the first time, Destiny will be starting a new school, and I'll be going back to work. Wow. All in a matter of a week. Hmmm....

I'll no longer be spending the majority of my time cleaning and cooking (although you wouldn't think that's what I do what with all the food stuck to the kitchen floor, dishes in the sink, and toys all over the place!) My feet will be in high heels instead of barefoot with food particles stuck to the bottoms (let me tell you!! Those Kix can really stick!) I'll actually do my hair as opposed to the afro I've been studding around (yes, afro. I have short curly beyond curly hair). I'll be teaching 8th graders all day instead of my little preschool babies. I'll be talking to grown-ups instead of changing pull-ups (Staci still has little accidents.) An alarm clock will wake me up instead of children. I'll have to rush home to get dinner cooking. I'll have to make lunches at 9:00 at night. No more quiet time. And 3:00 will be my favorite time of the day. Another new start, another new kind of life.

I love adventure.

Conversations during (yet another) thunderstorm

Scene: Destiny wakes me up at 1:30 am crying because her knee hurts, I give her some motrin and go back to bed. 10 minutes later, another large storm begins. Jon wakes up, comes into our room, and this is what happens.
Me: What's wrong, honey?
Jon: The storm tried to wake me up!
Me: Tried to wake you up? Yeah, that happens sometimes. Are you okay?
Jon: Yeah. Comes closer to my bed.
Me: Why don't you try to go back to sleep sweetheart.
Jon: *sigh*
Me: It's okay, babe. The rain, thunder, and lightning can't get in the house. We're safe, I promise. Try to go back to sleep.
Jon: But if I go back to sleep, the storm will just wake me up again.(How do you deal with a 4 year old that holds this kind logic?!)
Me: (thinking...thinking...thinking...) Well, it'll get quiet soon. (yes, that's all I could come up with!)
Jon: *sigh*
Me: Go back to bed, hon.
Jon: (moves closer to bed again...)
Me: Let's go back to sleep, okay?
Jon: (silence)
Me: 1....
Jon: (disapears faster than peanut butter during lunch)
That's it. My kids are smarter than me. Oh boy!

Joys in my life.....

Here's a list of some of the joys in my life right now.

1. The last few days of summer vacation
2. The Tinkerbell back pack in my foyer
3. Diaper bags
4. Diapers and Pull-Ups
5. Having a laugh with my honey after the kids go to bed
6. Sleep
7. Tripping on toys
8. Picking up said toys that have been tripped on
9. Wrestling with kids
10. Listening to little baby burps
11. Retail therapy
12. Adoption papers
13. Sleep (did I mention how handy that comes in right now?)
14. Drying tearful eyes
15. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink to watch a movie late at night
16. Listening to the kids hum the Star Trek theme while I'm watching Next Gen. (I'm so proud!)
17. Arguing with Bob over who was a better captain, Kirk or Picard (we all know Picard was the best; though Kirk did get more action with the ladies!)
18. Watching Staci pick up Kix that fell to the floor during breakfast and eating them
19. Hearing Staci say a new word or phrase
20. Waiting for the next adventure of the day (which may include a certain 2 year old climbing a book case to the top, someone slamming into a wall because he couldn't stop running fast enough, or having to mend a cut because someone got to a kitchen knife. Okay that last one was me. Ya'll know I can't handle sharp instruments!)

Back in the Saddle Again!

I think I was three years old the first time I was set on a horse. I've been in love ever since. I love the way being on a horse makes me feel. I'm always free to think clearly and it relieves loads of stress. It's my second home. In fact, my mom loves to joke that I'm more steady on a horse than my own two feet! I can't walk a straight line, but I sure can hold my seat in the saddle! Yee haw!!!

Well, last weekend, I got my first chance to get on a horse since we started fertility treatments and it felt so good! I only got to ride in the round pin for about ten minutes, but it was great,like coming home again. The kiddos watched on the side of the round pin and pretended they were riding too, it was so cute! I'm ordering a helmet for Destiny and we're going to start riding lessons for her in the coming month. She's already my little rodeo queen!

I'm working at downloading pics of my on Shelley, but blogger is giving me some trouble. Shelley's my Mom's miracle. Shelley almost died two years ago. After having emergency surgery to remove her ovaries, it was discovered that
Shelley had cysts on her ovaries that were causing lots of trouble. She and I are kindred spirits.

Monday's Checklist

Okay, so here's my checklist for Monday:

Go to school district head office to get approval for Jon to enter preschool.

Call CPS to find out of approval for child care services funds
While on phone with CPS, find out if I have to fly to San Antonio this week to read case files or if they will send them to us and save me a trip (cross fingers.)

Call our SW to find our about develpmental check-ups and psychological eval results.

Go home and eat lunch, have quiet time.

During quiet time, clean house.

2:40 vision and hearing check-ups for all three kids.

??? Go home and scrounge something up for dinner.

Clean again.

Laundry.

Bathe children.

(have I hugged them yet today??)

Read to kids.

Bedtime.

Watch some of my Star Trek the Next Generation DVD's from the fifth season
(an I love you present from my wonderful honey who understands my need for this.)

Take lunesta to get myself to sleep.

Try not to twitch tonight.

Tuesday:
Start all over.

Have I mentioned how much I love being a mom?

;)

Rebirth

I've been rereading Memoirs of a Geisha and I came upon something that really struck me. Here's a quote:
"...now I understood the thing that had puzzled me all morning. The stale air had
washed away. The past was gone...I could do nothing to change it. But I suppose
that for the past year I'd been dead in a way too...I'm not sure this will make sense
to you, but I felt as though I'd turned around to look in a different direction, so that
I no longer faced backward toward the past, but forward toward the future."
Wow. I've been working for months to come up with the words to describe how I felt in January the day we decided to stop trying to get pregnant and adopt. It was like being reborn, having the world taken off your shoulders. It was one of the best and worst days of my life. But it was the moment that all my hurts began to heal instead of being repeatedly ripped open. And now I look at my life and my three children and I don't even have to wonder if we made the right decision (for us.)
Not long after the kiddos came home, Bobby told me that he'd always thought that even if we never had any children, our family would be complete. "But these kids filled a hole in my heart I didn't even know was there. I understand now. I understand how you felt."
So here we go, living our new lives, turned in another direction, looking towards the sun instead of towards the dark. And what a beautiful sunrise it is.

The Stress Has Hit the Fan

A few days ago, I started having what my doctor is calling tremors. While I'm sleeping, resting, or just sitting still, my body shakes. It usually lasts only a second or so, but it is scary. Almost like a siezure. It went on for ten hours the other night, so my doc prescribed Lunesta to help me sleep. Last night, I was out until about 2:00 am and then slept on and off. The meds did help calm my body down and I didn't shake as much. I have an MRI on my brain this afternoon and tomorrow I'll find out if I need to see a Neurologist. I'm sure it's all about stress...I go back to work in less than two weeks and I'm still not sure where Jon and Staci are going. I think I may have found someone I can trust as a nanny for Staci but I need a preschool for Jon too. The very fact that I'm going back to work and entrusting my kids with someone else is killing me. But the whole thing is scary, none the less.

It hasn't helped that Staci has some kind of infection and has been fussy for several days. I had to take her to the pediatrician yesterday. After two doses of tylenol, she still had fever and the infection had gotten into her eyes. Poor baby. She is such a good girl.

So for now I'm trying to rest as much as possible. Of course this means my house is a wreck and the kitchen is disgusting. But, I digress. I waited a long time to see tiny little shoes and matchbox cars laying all over my house. It's a sight of beauty to me. Just watch where your walking or you can add broken ankle to the list 'o' things wrong.

On a happier note, one of Bobby's best friends is getting married on Friday and Bobby's a groomsman. The wedding doesn't even start until 6:30, so it's parents' night out! The kids are staying with my in-laws for the night and I'll pick them up in the morning. Early. Like before the sun rises. ;)

Austin, Here we come!!!!!!!

So, we've decided to go to Austin, TX for National Adoption Day to finalize the kids' adoptions! This means we don't have to hire a lawyer (already done for you), transfer the case, red tape, red tape, red tape all gone! No waiting for a court date! All our Social Worker has to do is send our information to Austin and it's all done....we basically just show up! I'm so excited! So, November 18, we go to court and our babies will for the record, officially, be ours forever. Yahooo! Here's to a short wait, lots of fun, and a great trip to our state's capitol.

On the road again.....I can't wait to get on the road again!

The legend of the white sink

Once upon a time, there was a sink. A beautiful sink, the envy of the land. One day, a bright, funny, energetic, non-mom bought this sink to call her own. It was a wonderful sink. It had two quite large basins, was majestic and perfect in every way. It's new owner even bought it a gorgeous faucet to match the beauty of the sink. They were the perfect pair. The sink was a great friend to his new owner. It held all the dishes, looked pretty when it was empty, and shined all the time! What the sink didn't know was that three gorgeous kids were coming home to add to the beauty of the house. The poor sink begged, pleaded with it's owner, "Please don't let them near me!" But she didn't listen. Now the poor sink, the hero of our story and at one time the bright star of the kitchen, is just not white or shiny any more. Sinky is now turning a strange shade of brown (when you can see the bottom of it.) It also has silver lines on it revealing the exact places where the kids have scraped their dishes into the sink. It needs a good scrubbing with comet if the lady wants it to shine at all, but where, oh where, is there time for that?
Poor poor sinky. If only it's proud owner had bought it in another color. It's beauty might still be shining. But, alas, the beauty of the sink is no more. Never shiny, never proud, never empty. *sigh*

Post #2 for today...

Here's a story I wrote not long after the kids got home. Thought I'd share it with those of you who havn't read it yet.


Everything I need to know about being a Mom a learned from Sams Club.

So I had my first trip to Sam's Club as a Mom a few days ago. I was quite excited as Bob is a manager there and I'd get to see some of his co-workers and chit chat. I left the kiddos with my mother-in-law and headed into the Club with a light heart and lots of excitement. Bobby walkedwith me for a while and we talked as I loaded 500 pounds of meat into the cart. He then went back to work and I proceeded to shove the rest of the food into my cart. Quite a while later, as I was getting ready to go to the check out stands, Bob walks up and helps me with the cart (which now weighed about three tons.) We checked out and I got ready to take our food home!!! Now, before I go any further, I should note that our Sam's Club is under construction right now for a remodel. So that means the parking lot is a terrible mess. Okay, so I begin to walk out of the club and forget that there is a bit of a bump...I try to take it at an angle and 900 pounds of cart goes flying to the side and runs straight into a fence. (I should also tell you that there is only enough room for one person to get through at a time, so there are several people behind me waiting.) So I straighten out and make my way up a hill to my car. Twenty sore muscles and a sunburn later, I make it to thecar, my little Dodge Stratus that we bought two months before we found out about the kids and the reason we can't buy a van yet, open the trunk, and see the stroller amongst several other kiddy things taking up lots of room. I then peek into the backseat and am reminded that there are three car seats there. So with a lot of maneuvering that I learned from being a carry out as a teenager, I was able to fit my load of groceries into the car. I turn the car on, press the gas, and I swear I heard the car cry. So I had a pep talk with the car and was on my way. Once home, I realize that it is all up to me to get the food from the car to the house with out any bags or boxes. "Okay, I can do this." My mantra becomes, "I think I can I think I can I think I can." By some miracle, I get the food into the house pretty quickly. I walk over to the fridge, that by the way is used to holding a gallon of milk, a bottle of ketchup, and a carton of eggs, and begin to fill it. Now, after awhile, I can see the fridge figuring out what is going on. "Where is all that food going?" It asks me. Carefully I try to explain that it is the fridge and that's where food goes. "You want me to do what?! I can't hold all of that! I know your organization skills. You're gonna kill me!" I try to calm it down and resume filling it. After about an hour, even the dog, my most trusted friend, is laughing at me. So here's the point. There are so many things that we need to know about being a Mom. We need to know patience (my trip took about 3 hours total.) We need to have strength (I'm still sore.) But I think the biggest thing that we need as moms is encouragement and help. If I had let someone help me carry out the food, things may have been easier. If I had asked someone to go with me, I would have had help. I'm beginning to learn that there is no Supermom. I can't do everything and be everywhere. There's an old saying that says "It takes a villiage to raise achild." And it's true. It's okay to ask for help, it's okay to not have all the answers, there's someone out there to lift us up, love us, and encourage us. As long as we stand on Him and His promises, there's nowhere we can't go and nothing we can't do for our children

A look into the coming year....feeling nostalgic.

The closer the school year gets, the more excited I get about all the changes that have taken place this year and the things that will continue to change next year. We have, in one year, bought our first house and adopted three children. We've had ups and downs that could have destroyed our marriage, but they made it stronger. We are discovering the joys of parent hood and the love that comes with it. I have am making peace with who I am and how my body works (or doesn't work ;) ) It really is crazy how many changes can take place in just one short year.

And now a look into the coming year:
My children will be adopted into their forever family. Destiny will have another chance at success in school. Jon will recieve help with his speech and will hopefully get some physical therapy. Staci will continue to learn about her world and grow into a little girl instead of a baby. We will keep bonding...we will grow as parents and as a family. The kiddos will continue to heal, I will continue to heal. And we will have all the ups and downs families have. I can't wait! Even though being an instant mom of three is hard and there are times when I call my Mommy crying begging for help, I love my life. I love my children. I love being a mom. I can't wait to go camping for the first time. I can't wait to take the kids to the Grand Canyon, the Petrified Forest, and even just to Waco the meet my family. I can't wait for Destiny to read her first full sentence or for Jon to play soccer. I can't wait to finalize their adoption!

For so long, it was like I lived in pain and had to force myself just to breathe. Now, I don't know what I did to be so blessed. So many people have told me what a blessing it is for the kids that we are adopting them, but really, it's the other way around. They have blessed us in uncountable ways.

So, here's to a great school year!

That's it. Staci is officially two. She is now pouting and throwing herself on the floor when she doesn't get what she wants. Let me tell you how big that lower lip can get. It is sooooo cute!

We have a lot of stuff going on this week. Tomorrow our social worker comes out for a visit and CPS comes out of Friday. I hope Destiny takes it better this time. She was really bothered by the last visit and would not leave my lap. We had psychological evals today and I'm quite curious to see what he says. Man, I'm already tired.

Well, my wonderful husband just got home and is staring at me....I think I should go.

Bye for now.

Updates!!!!!

Oops! I didn't mean to take so long updating this blog! I find it difficult to keep track of time now a days. Well, our children have been home for over two months now! We've had so many successes with them. Destiny is totally and completely daddy's little girl. She''s also gaining strong bonds with both her grandfathers (bobby's dad and my step dad.) I'm so happy she is bonding with these guys. she needs to know that she can count on the men in her life. Both Destiny and Jon have psychological testing tomorrow. It's hard to say how I feel about it. Not really nervous, I just want it to be over. I've started talking to them about what their new middle names will be. They're processesing it right now, I'm not sure how they feel yet. Staci is really working at the potty training thing. It'll take some time, but she's doing great. She has more successes than failures, which is wonderful considering she's only just turned two.
We got some adoption paper work the other day, but we need to have some more things done before we can fill them out. It's our first step towards adoption and we couldn't be happier.
I can honestly say that I am totally and completely in love with these children. Every day is such a blessing to me. I've gone from being totally empty and broken to having all my dreams fulfilled. I can only hope that I can be a good Mom for them. They deserve to have so much. When I listen to them laugh, my heart skips a beat. As I watch them run around the house and play, I feel like I'm living in joy. My absolute favorite time of the day is when Bobby gets home. I love to hear the kids yelling "DADDY! DADDY!" as he walks in the door.

Jon had his first birthday party with us yesterday. He had a blast. Of course he had to have a Superman party! He had his cousins over and some friends. They ran and played and made a complete mess! He about had a fit when he saw his Superman cake. It was just too cute.

I hate that I'm going back to work in a few weeks. I'm still trying to decide what to do with Jon and Staci. Destiny will be going back to kindergarden, but I need to find a preschool for Jon and daycare for Staci. I should hear from CPS soon whether or not they have found some money to help us out with that. THey're looking for it right now. If I can just get some help with Jon's preschool, it would really help. Next year will be easier when he can go to school with Destiny.

I can't even begin to describe just how much I have enjoyed becoming a Mom. It still seems wierd to have someone call me Mommy, but I'm starting to figure it out. I'm not sure if I've truely given up on someday getting pregnant, but we'll see in time.

I'll try to be better at posting here. There are a bunch of people that I just don't have the ability to keep in close contact with. I'll do better! I promise.

Wow! It's been quite a while since I've posted! Well, we've been very busy these past two weeks! The kiddos got home and have been doing wonderfully. I couldn't have asked for a better transition. They've slept through the night, are eating well, and are more and more calling us Mommy and Daddy. Jon is now potty trained (hip hip hooray!), Destiny is figuring out what we are all about, and Staci is giggling more and more each day. We've had birthday parties, a welcome home party, have gone horseback riding (yesterday!) and are having the time of our lives. I cry every day (usually because I'm happy, sometimes because I'm so darn tired!) and I'm loving our new lives. Bobby has just become the most wonderful Dad. He didn't even skip a beat in transitioning. (green eyed over here) He loves our kids with everything that he is and they know it. There was never any doubt in my mind that he would be a good dad, but WOW! He even spent an entire week watching over them while I was at work and did great! Of course Staci's hair was hardened and sticking straight up with all that food stuck in her hair, but hey! She'd been fed! I'm just counting down the weeks until we can sign our adoption paper work with LSSS. Two down....okay so five and a half months left, but no biggie!
So, I'm so tired my hair hurts, I cry a lot, I'm really having to learn how to be a mommy to three really quickly (lots of stress there).....and I'm loving every minute of it. Being a mom is hard and I can't help but think God's upstairs right now giggling his tush off...after all, I did pray for children! Okay...now I know. I know what was meant to be and what wasn't. I know why we waited so long. I know.

Oh My Cheese!!!!

We just found out that our babies are coming home next Wednesday! We are so thrilled and excited. I'm not sure what time they'll be flying in, but their case worker will get all the flight information to me soon I'm sure. I can't believe that we'll be a family soon. I'm in total shock!

Lots to do!
Kisses to all!!!

Having a bad week...but doing okay.

It's been a tough week so far. We're still not sure when our babies are coming home and the wait is getting really tough. But how horrible is this...I'm almost glad. I'm so scared that I'm not going to be a good mom. Well, I know everyone must go through this. What if I'm not ready? What if? What if? But...I didn't know I could teach 8th grade either and I face my little monsters (whom I love dearly) every day! I want what's best for these kids, no matter what. I just hope I can give it to them.
I had a doctors appointment this week as well which for some reason really shook me up. I guess part of it was just being in that office again. The last time I was there, I was in the middle of fertility treatments/miscarriage/surgery. Maybe I wasn't ready to be back there again. I'm so happy about getting my children, but I guess I'm still mourning what might have been. My doc also told me that I'm a good candidate for Lupron injections. These lovely guys put your body into a menopausal state which hinders endometriosis growth and pain. Hmmmmm....do I really want to go through menopause type stuff at 26? Can't you just see this! Patty, wouldn't you love for me to have my own little "personal summers!" Ha! I think I'll just stick with what I'm doing for now. I like living in my hot flash free zone right now thank you!
So I'll keep on pluggin and I'll be okay. My kids'll get home soon, I'll do the best I can as their mom, and I'll continue to grieve for a while. I bet that someday it won't hurt so bad anymore.
Wow, this was a depressing post. Sorry guys! I'll try to be more upbeat next time!
:)

Success!

So on a hunch I called the kids' case worker today and guess what!! They're coming home soon!!! She told me that she went to court on Tuesday and we were accepted as their prospective parents! All that we're waiting for is a travel/placement date to be agreed on. I can't believe it! My heart is just so full right now. We should know next week when we get them. I would love for them to be home by the 28th so that they can go with me to Paul and Tre's court date for their finalization. I think it would be great for them to see how wonderful adoption is and how many people celebrate it with you.

Man! If I could only stop crying!

Waiting Waiting Waiting!

Okay, so still no news on when Bob's going to get his background check back. It's been out for six weeks now and we're getting pretty anxious. Our SW did tell us last week that there has been some movement, so I'm hoping to hear something soon. I would love to be able to tell the kids on Easter that we're going to be their Mommy and Daddy. How great would that be! So for now, I'm doing my best to stay busy. I've just about finished their rooms and I decided to start doing yoga. Let me tell you, it doesn't feel like you're doing much, but man do my abs hurt! I'm trying to get back into shape because I'd love to start ballet again when we get Destiny into it this summer.
I've also changed our eating habits completely (ie actually cooking everyday and making menus.) I figure it's best to change my habits now and not be bombarded with it when the kids get here. I really do feel better when I eat well. What a concept!
So here's to hoping that we hear something soon! I want my babies home!!!!!!!

Craving Satisfied!

I got to go the kids this weekend! We spent TWO great days together! I'm sorry that Bobby couldn't go, but at least one of us got to be there. John is now holding my hand, Stacey giggles when I smile at her, and Destiny is just a joy to be around, out going and rambunctious! I'm hoping to get more news on when they might be home this week. We're really praying that criminal background check through. My realtor told me she had a bit of a problem with it as well, but it only took a few days to figure out. I brought home some of their toys and things with my in faith that they won't miss them for long.
My mom told me today that she's planning to have a "Cowboy Camp" with the kids at her house. They're going to set up a tent and spend the night outside, roast marshmellows and hot dogs, and be cowboys and cowgirls. She's already decided which horse will be there's! She has an old mare who she uses for kids that they will start on and she'll be training Starbuck, the kids' horse, while they get used to riding. Of course it won't happen for a while. They'll have to get used to the horses and learn safety stuff first. But oh how fun! Here's to getting a placement date soon!!!!!!

The excitement grows!

I've been holding my breath all week! Our social worker told us yesterday that we're almost there! All we need to wait for is Bobby's criminal background check to come in and we'll get a placement date. Hopefully it'll come in this week. Until then, I've been talking to the kids foster parents almost daily to get my fix on how they're doing! I've also been working on their rooms. I've actually almost finished and will post pics later. Our house has gone from being empty and boring to festive!! I love it!

Here we are! This was taken after our first meeting.